Tourettes Bio
Hey click here to check out Michele's Gallery
Hey White Trash is BIG if you want to read it all check out 'Michele's White Trash Archive'
Nov 24th 06'
London.
You cant take with you what you dont trust.
-Letter to Jacobi.
Suckin' on my jaw
Pullin' on decay
It didnt work last night
and its not gonna work today.
-New song on next album.
My last attempt at this was pathetic.Usually its that
I write here and neglect my journal or visa versa.
I just havent been writing at all outside a few well
constructed emails.
And here I am on the road,in a band and even if I told
you what I had been up to its not all that different
from anything you got from me the last time.
We play our last show tonight and go back to Germany.I
dont mind all the crap that comes with this job its
just not playing that kills me.I get foggy on why the
hell I am here.Playing in a band finds me doing what I
want to do [ie;sing] less than anything else.
Ha!
God hates me.
We ended up sitting around waiting to play. thats about it.
Me and Ross went to dinner with the owner of our record company.Thomas Jenson.It was really cool. Ah me! My life! One second I am in a marble clad silk swathed bar,complete with tinkly piano music .. drinking virgin bloody marys and seeing myself flash up on a lap top screen in Rose tattoos new filmclip and the next back in a squat in the same outfit I have lived in for the last 4 months being a Myspace whore and trying to push the band out there.
This is why I laugh till I weep.Its fucking insane.
Going through the whole "Flight or Fight" thing again at the moment.Oh Love! You dont like me much do ya? Ya let me think that I can do it,that this time I can make it happen...
Shit.
I think that my stomach is eating itself.I dont sleep right.I get letters and everyones life is a friday nite up in lights shit fight.Saint Tina says "We always say that things will get better next year and they never do...." The good vibe is worn down by mid january.
Gotta do the horror trip home now.back to Hamburg for
a night and then being as brain dead as I can get on
the trip home.I am hating it all but most of all I am
hating myself.
Again.
Its hitting a peak.
I know that in reality nothing would have changed when I get back but it all does.I drop in and out like a holiday uncle.When people ask how it was I edit and tap dance to distract them from the fact that I am not really saying all that much.
Surrounded by all these happy motivated people makes me feel like even more of a stain.
Just get me out of here.get me away from my band so that I can miss them again.Remove me from the "holier than thou".
If Ross dont have the keys to the studio we are fucked.I dare not go and wake him up to ask him as its only 10 in the morning and we are all aware that this is the last solid sleep that we are all really gonna get till we get home.
Metz writes me and asks me if I am happy or excited yet.If I knew that i wasnt walking into an utter shitfight I would be.And here was me thinking that I was doing so fucking good and all.
Its the getting there that kills me.I hate travel.I need to get some balance into my life cause every sinew and fibre of my being is says..
"Pst! ...HEY! Lard ass! You dont need to go home and work! what are you???NUTS??? Drop out dude! Go to the shack and re insert your head up your butt,I mean,who cares right....."
And this goes on for hours and keeps me awake.
I wonder why I dont drop out all the time.Its mighty hard to get back up again once you do.So many people to see when I get back home and although I know that it will be a long line of grand tea soaked reunions I am numb and I want to crawl under a rock and fucking die.
again
This is my curse.my duality.Want to be up in lights dont want anyone to be near me ever.
The Squat that has put up with me and ross has been amazing.Phil,one of the dudes that lives here is an old spewtown warrior from way back.I have watched every dvd that the man has.The food and company has been brillant.Alas,I have not been running as shooting is the new black this season in Brixton and that I fell into my addled brain again.
Having arguments via email with this time delay is trying and sad.Quel sigh.
Thanks to all who have gone out of their way to be amazing on this run and to all who got the new album.
Get me to a gym and a good shower! that way I will be ready to rock shit with y'all at 77 on the 23rd.
Im gonna try and take a break so I will have somthing
to give you.
SF4L
Michele
London-Brixton.
Nov 20th 06'
Ahhhh.
Addled and a bit crusty.I am plugged in down in the
living room kinda watching 'Monster ' with a gaggle of
french punx while Slayer play down the road at the
Brixton academy.I told ross while we were walking home
form the bookshop on Electric ave today "I cant
pinpoint what makes me tick today"
That scares me.
Sad to say that there is really not that much to report.The tequila just come out...
We pulled out of the Paris show.Sad but in the long run it was not worth it this run but we are gonna head back next summer.
Looks like we are gonna do the home show on Dec 23rd at my most beloved Club 77.
Ash is going home for a few months and I think that Ross would be happy if he never saw me again and Mikey? I dunno what he is up to....
here it is...
Play at the mean fiddler on friday the 24th of
november-get on plane -go to hamburg-watch band get
drunk and buy slutty boots that i have had my eye on
for months- get on plane-fuck around in taipei for 16
hours-get on another plane-Sydney.
Thank you and good night.
I might try this again later.
SF4L
Michele
October 19th 06'
Show me the way to go home
I'm tired and I wanna go to bed
I had a little drink about and hour ago and its gone right to my head.
-Trad.
I use my mistakes against you.
-Tool.
If they fell into a barrel of tits they would suck their thumbs.
-Jasco SF.
Before I really get into it?
Fuck you.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Isn't that better?
You try it. Say it like you mean it and say it to the one that you know deserves it' cause really?
Who cares?
Do you?
If you do it will pass.... you can push it as well.... feel free to liberate yourself
With every breath.
Caring, especially when indescrimatly and unwisely will cost you. Trust me. The interest rates are a cunt and the bills keep on a-coming.
I can't be bothered. Why harbour almost rans and mediocrity? The lame, the ones that are not going to come good. Do I look like Mother Theresa?
Inhale and on the exhale?
Fuuuuuuuuuuuck you.
It's all about balance and how dramatically it can veer within ones self if you let it. I find myself muttering the serenity prayer like the old addict that I am and trying not to completely lose my mind. I was addicted to trying to find the right ones to have around me. It was a need. The need of need, the worst drug of all.
I died and was resurrected time and time again. A Las Vegas Jesus 3 shows daily watch me roll away my rock and get fucked by my 12.... free popcorn. And voucher parking.
Fuck you.
I go to bed dizzy. Every muscle in my corpse hating me, burning.
Hating me as much as I hate it. Knowing that I will be pulling my stinking running gear back on in 7 hours to stumble over the frost crusted earth. I don't wake up till 20 minutes in. Everything killing me and I fucking love it.
I love it like I would love a whore; like I would love all the ones that don't love me...they will never love you back. They don't even know that you exist unless it serves them. I am bowed beneath a hateful thing a pain divine and I can't get enough.
I am blown away by how little gets done in the music industry. I laugh now. It's a cruel sound; one that I wish didn't emanate from me but what the fuck am I ment to do? I am yuckkin it up cunts.
There is nothing ever set in stone. Goddamn nothing ever set at all and I am down to a fine art here.
Zen for the terminal and trust free.
Hateful fucking creatures that we must deal with....all of us.
I am set in good ways here so its not fucking with me too much but my anger is being kept on a steady and productive boil. People never fucking cease to amaze me. People who I thought were more stand up and are so patiently fucking not. Talk shit to me about some one and then go out to dinner with them where you are more than likely talking shit about me.
See this? No, beyond the middle finger that I am holding steady about an inch from you nose you dumb fuck...this! This is me giving up on fucking all of you. You lying traitorous bastards and I feel all the better for it as y'all suit each other into the fucking ground.
How is Germany?
I don't know.... I could be anywhere really and I think that is a redeeming feature of my somewhat meagre coping mechanisms. I have my thing and I stick to it. Run morning and night the wind so biting that my fingertips and nose are numb by the time I get to the back of the Reperbahn. I have lost alot of weight and am 11kgs off my fighting weight now.
I feel like I want to kill everything that gets in my way but for the 1st time it is quiet. It's not flying a flag. It sees annilation as a task on its path to somewhere else. I think this is good. Its not making me happy per say but it does feel correct and in this shit storm that is going down smooth with me.
Why do I bother? No one wants to be fixed...they just want you to listen agree and make sympathetic noises in all the right places.they go back to the bottle, return to the one that beat them, that hurt them all while you were there for them trying to help.
Fuck help and fuck you.
If you cant help yourself fuck you.
I will be over here watching if I can think of nothing better to do
I hate all my own weaknesses so what makes me think that i am going to be privy to yours.
Fuck you
Fuck you
Fuck you
I would rather be alone. The days that I want to name names? Oh darling.... so many of them
Don't you DARE get up in my grill and look at me like I am the little man while you pontificate half pissed again. Too fucked up your whole life to even try and see what you would be like with out all the shit that you hide behind. I fucking hate you.
I have track 7 on Doom Saloon and more balls than you will ever fucking have. Cross me...go on...see who walks away. Vestiges being stripped. I don't fucking care. I watch the world roll by out the window of a rented van with nothing but rock and roll on my side.
Fuck you.
You have to decide if you are going to be the fucker or the fuck-ee so to speak. I know where I stand. I just broke the earth for my empire.
Fuck you.
SF4L
Michele
Oct 9th 2006
Hamburg.... again.
To know is not to prove, nor to explain. It is to accede to vision.
-Saint exupery [1942]
Its not the tragedies that kill us it's the messes.
-Dorothy parker.
A critic is a man who knows the way but cant drive the car.
-Kenneth Tynan.
You must be as clear sighted when you are loved as when you are hated. This love is only an advance payment for what they expect of you.
-Yevgeny Yevtushenko.
Think that I am going to get a tattoo of St Jude Thaddueus.Look it up sports fans. I think that it's rather apt.
I want a bowler hat and some tights so I don't freeze my ass off. And a pair of white converse. The shoes are an experiment; want to see how long its takes for me to get them totally trashed. Never said that it was an EXCITING life I got going on out here.
Nice to be home though. Not fucking around. It's such an insane way to live that falling on my stained mattress in the junk room was a relief.
Found the photo of me anorexic in my mother's garden today. Bloody hell! What is going to take to get back to that? Smoking made it all so much easier. I was missing it today and then I heard number one sons wet old man cough down at the end of the hall.
Erm, no thanks.
This is so fucked. Conked out all day and now up all nite grotty and quite inarticulate. I think that I should just give you huge wacks out of my journal but its all a bit to close to the bone in there right now so I think that I will stick with this, for what its worth. The sexy snort highlights.... I just drooled on myself...bloody hell.
Got all my papers and pics out tonite as I am alone at the table and kinda sad but maybe just a little blue if y'all know what I mean. I eyes are sore but I feel compelled to tap away as I have been in bed most of the day sick as a pig. Blah
Got a cool letter today that set loose a flood of memories, as cool and uncool letters are prone to do for that matter.
When I was but a tiny thing my Ma and I were in the front yard of our house. Saint Tina spied a woman in the yard across the road from us with a small child of her own.' You want to go say hi?" she asked me.... hell, why not?
That day was the start of a life long friendship between both of our familles. Jen, the woman, saved me from myself when I was in the grip of some big nasty drugs and her son Ben that I met that day was the one who taught me how to play guitar.
All these years on from Campbell st in Richmond and my filthy junkiedom Ben now has his own record label and is a DJ doing his thing and I am unwashed in Europe covered in tattoos yelling at people.
"Who would have thought it?" he wrote me and I could hear the smile in is words.
Me on the edge of his bed fumbling around with his fire engine red gretch style axe under a poster of the Rolling Stones.
Amen friend.
Thank fuck for you and you family.
I have been laid low since the horror trip back from the UK.I feel totally brain damaged at all times. So fucked up that I just roll with whatever every day. I think that we all pretty much slept around the clock. I know that I did.
And it does change by the hour.The plan man.....
Our Album comes out this week. How cool is that??? A real live platter on a label!!! feel like it has been a million years in the making and Wacken was so long ago.
Tony (SF4L) went and saw Rose Tattoo the other night and he was talking to Angry about us and he,Angry,said that I am beautiful.Swoon.When your heroes see you back...he also said that he didn't know what we are doing but that we were great at it.... [hehehe!] It's going to be soooo good to catch up with those guys when we get home.
The letters that I get asking us to come home, and not just from the original tribe but the new ones as well just melt me. I have never felt worth as much as I am to this thing that we are..
I don't think that I am going to get any ink while I am here even though I ask for it in every interview. I have drawn up my neckpiece though. Very Paul booth. Saint Tina is going to belt me.
I sang War Pigs under my breath as we approached Birmingham.
Think that we are going to be playing some gigs in Ireland next month as well. It's so cool. Blackie writes me of a shitty amp and a show in NYC.They have one more week out and then home. Has it really been two months already? I am going to go look at the moon for a second...
Fucking awesome. I thoroughly recommend living in a roof top studio in Hamburg .the banana lounges are the cream on top lemme tell you.
Miss terror wants me home so that she can feed me. I have not lost that much fuckin weight! I wish! Miss Ellie had this fuckin classic poster of a very gaunt Patti smith in her stairwell that I aspire to greatly. If we move back to London I am minding her room for 3 weeks while she is in Italy with her boyfriend enzo who looks so much like Bon Scott that it's eerie.
All I have to do is take care of her 3 gold fish and deal with shootings at the Brixton mc Donald's and cold showers...its all do able I believe.
I am down to my last 2 batteries for my Walkman. Jesus wept.This band would have been over years ago if I didn't listen to this thing almost every waking hour. Think that I am going to have to invest in an I pod sooner or later.
I tried to find a winter jacket today and that put me in a horrific mood.Mikey just got pissy at me, as I have not downloaded the pictures that he wants from Berlin. I just laughed at him.
The thumbprint on Ashley's forehead is glowing. Have not seen him since we got back. The rhythm section kicked it while I lay in bed cramped and sweaty.
Have not really been writing much on the music front and I know that once Ashley has had enough of getting fucked (quel shudder) he will be back to annoying the crap out of me.
I guess that we will end up in LA doing the do sometime next year. No one I really want to see there .Be nice if Miss Anna lee was still in scum city. Sin is now living in Florida and madly in love. Good for her. It all seems so long ago. I have not really had a life to myself since I left the shed late in 03' to really throw my lot in with the band and this life.
No wonder we all drive each other mad. But I know that it has been worth it, coming out here and showing that we are in it for the long haul. Next summer is going to be a fucking blast in Europe. You can play 2 festivals a week out here and we have finally made contact with the right crew in the UK.
We are heading back to play mid November if what I am hearing is right. Clubs that are Mecca to my fan ass.that I have been reading about in NME since I was a kid. The Mean fiddler, The Underworld.... And I know that we are going to kill it at all of them.
Bloodstock....
Now here is a fable and a fucking half for you.
We had the honour of being the 1st Australian band to ever play it so I was wrapped.
We did a small warm up show a few days before where Ashley wrote himself off, played like a bag of shit and then abused everyone.
How much he HATES London blah blah blah...
Yet another classic night. He stormed off in the rain....what ever.
The dude just can't drink. The thing that sticks with me the most is me telling him that he broke a promise and that I cant trust him and that he had the nerve to get angry at me when he is in the wrong.
I am trying to set aside the anger and support him but it gets real fuckin hard. I am no bed of roses either but to loose it on stage is unforgivable in my eyes.
So there we are a few days later all very quite in ellies shit van trying to get out of London.... we know that we are late and its stress city.Mikey lost it...total classic melt down, stomped his sunglasses outside a servo where we stopped to get directions. Carl wrangled it that we went on at 4 30 in the other room and we still packed it out so I was happy.
Ended up in a bar with Thomas Jenson and I was so happy when ash ordered a virgin mary that I had one too.
We sold almost all our merch and I scared a little Finnish boy who was in another band. Met the Guys from terroriser.
The good mood lasted about 48 hours and then back into then mire.
Miss Ellie Skipped a heap of really cool clothes so now I have this classic black woollen punk sweater that I have already destroyed and patched. Not letting the cold piss me off is going to be a real challenge.
Don't know if I am really up for it to tell you the truth. I imagine playing shows all sweaty in the summer back home and smirk. I am on the other side of the world. Again.
Ross gave us all 20 quid. Have you ever done London on 20 quid for 2 weeks? Thank fuck max is the squatter supreme. I ate better there than I do when I have money. No shit.
I need to be playing all the time.... it does get better with every run we do I am aware of that. You go back to a place and there are 100 heads there instead of the 20 you played to a month before. I love it. Its perfect to me.
I have been slack and not doing my press so tomorrow I will be a good dog and sit at the kogge all day and get it done. Kinda surprised how many journalists are getting into the site and asking intelligent questions. It makes it so much easier.
As Ross has updated uprooted I guess that he may update Whitetrash.
God only knows I got enough of it.
Later
SF4L
Michele.
Sept 29th
Brixton, London.
[Ellonie Felonies squat...]
Sternly, remorselessly, fate guides each of us; only at the beginning, when we're absorbed in details, in all sorts of nonsence, in ourselves, are we unaware of its harsh hand.
-Ivan Turgenev.
Now she gets her kicks in Stepney not in Knightsbridge any more.
- The Rolling Stones.
To me, Max is already the automatic hero of this adventure as he got me my own room. My envy of him and Ross is boundless by sketchy definition. As we pulled up to the lights and they jumped out to get cheese at tescos, I watched the cross the road so in love so happy.
I told them that they need to bottle this, as it is a fine vintage.
Ross went thru me for being sad at the airport, asked me why I couldn't just be happy to be playing in England, which by he way I am. It didn't occur to him to ask me what was wrong.
Men can be so fucking thick like that.
I wouldn't have told him anyway. He thinks that he is sick of us?Fuck!
At least he can get to the one that makes him happy.
I adore Max.he is fucking brilliant. Wants to get me a job putting up hookers cards in phone boxes. Tells me that it's wicked money and a laugh. Both of which I am up for right now.
Ellie just walked in and said that it's good to see me. No one thinks that it's fuckin good to see me so that will keep me purring for a few days.
There is some hassle with living in Germany and I cant say that I really give a fuck right now. I guess that we will move to London then. Hell, at least I can do shit here. Got off the bus today and dove into a bin at the terminal to rescue reading matter. A copy of FHM and a paper. I have been fed well and reading since we got here.
Got a show tomorrow night then Bloodstock then another week of being here with no money. I went to exchange my last 20 bucks that I had from home and the wanted to give me 5 quid. I told em not to bother. We skip for food and wing it. Ellie has adopted me if we move back which suits me just fine. Ross and max have got a new gaff across town, Mikey is re connecting with the jazz crew and I couldn't give a blue baboons ass where Ashley winds up as long as it is as far away from me as possible.
I ignore him and he snipes at me like the bitch that he is. I don't care. I am in it for the band not the I used to trust him like a brother but 5 years of steady lies and dripping poison into any bond we may have shared can ruffle your tail feathers some.
How can you trust someone who doesn't even tell you that they have moved house? I sat on his front step for an hour.
I don't pity him, as that is just a polite form of contempt.
Manners are not my strong point at the moment.
All are downstairs watching Easy Rider but I don't even want to be in the same room. Ross thinks that I am being rude, which is a bit of a pot vs. kettle situation but I think that we should all avoid each other as much as we can. I think that its self-preservation. I know that it's smart.
Wow, I don't want to spend another 12 hours of my life in a pot smoke filled room with a bunch of drunken wankers and Ashley re writing history to impress his new best mates of the night. I know what I don't want and that is what I am going to stick to.
I have never been homesick like this before. Not that I would really be going back to much, I mean this band is it for me. They are great players a fuckin machine but as ellie showed me her room under Nick Caves black and white stare I felt my chest hitch and wanted more.
There is one set of arms that I would run to. He gives the hello kitty in my scared up corpse a girl boner. I miss him so much.
I just can't see it today...
Tomorrow I plot out where I am going to run. Jogging in Brixton.Guess I will be doing that in daylight.
My eyes are killing me and I hate everyone.
Tell you more soon.
SF4L
Michele
Sept 29th
Try to tell me that you love me but we aint never met.
-Cold Chisel
Hurry up and wait.
-Blondie.
Some band is recording their drum tracks in the studio today. I am almost done packing up my meagre possessions. Mikey is sitting across from me sewing a patch on his shirt, deluxe is out and I still keep laughing when I think of how ash had a go at me today to impress Pete the Scottish Fin.
"All lead singers are cunts and blah blah blah...."
Do you think that he thinks that he may have had a point? It was like watching a kid having a tantrum. Pathetic and boring. I care less everyday what he thinks.
Play your fucking guitar and leave me alone.
We are on the main stage at Bloodstock round midday on sat, which I think, is pretty fucking rad. Looks like we are going to be in England for about 10 days. I am going to pack my running gear lest I go completely mad with boredom. I am covered in cuts and bruises. I do not play well with others. I stole a packet of blades. Go fuck yourselves.
I saw god in the hallway, I fucked the Holy Spirit with my sweat. Wanted to run the razor blade between all my teeth.
Got fuckin happy.
For a change..
I exist on peppermint tea and these killer yoghurt rice cakes from Denmark. Seems to keep me running. Got one more interview to do in yet another smoky phone booth today, can't remember where it is. The dude behind the counter is fed up with writing me receipts and his wife just doesn't like me. I pull faces at his daughters to make them laugh.
Ross has just walked in saying that it looks like our residency is a bit wobbly fuckin knew it. It's a fuckin insane way to lead a life; they are telling us that we need health insurance and jobs. I don't even have that in Australia. It's always something to fuck with me. Bless Ryan air though...I don't see how the hell we would be able to get anywhere otherwise.
I am up and down all the time. We are staying we going we are staying blah blah blah...I just want to go fishing to tell you the truth.
That and get laid.
Get my neck tattoo done.
Go to my house on the coast, not wear shoes for a month
Italy, that's who I am calling tonight,
You do what you do...
SF4L
Michele.
September 28th
This will be the last time.
-The Rolling Stones
Love that's love not fade away.
-Buddy holly and the crickets.
Are there not little chapters in everybody's life that seem to be nothing, and yet affect the rest of history?
-W.M Thackery.
I stay outside but live within.
-The Rollins band.
Was I better off loving people who had no idea that I was doing so?
It could last for however long I wanted.
It could be eternal if I allowed it. [I did and I still do...]
No one ever got hurt, it just drifted in its intensity, it did me a great service in longing and great prolonged bouts of sighing.
"Cheese, boredom and masturbation" as the Great Toddski would say.
That's pretty much all you need. Amen.
So my question at large tonight is...
Is there a pre-emptive strike when it comes to getting your heart broken?
If it's always been broken does that mean you just get another bruise?
I tell people that nothing can be taken with out your permission. Maybe I say it because I need to hear it, need to believe it.
The heart can move from the sanctity of a saviour's hand to under the heel of their shoe with alarming speed.
Who is holding yours right now?
Makes ya feel kinda queasy huh?
I am going to go and hang with the sunset for a second.this, trying to unravel this is causing my eyes to water.
Well that didn't help, I want to swan dive off the 9th floor more and more as time ticks on.
I feel like I am leaking here, just dripping away.
Tell you what was funny. I am overlooked all the time as in day to day life I tend to be the most socially retarded and quiet member of this band. If you have met me away from playing you know that I am telling the truth.
So, here I am living on the axis of Saint Pauli, the highest density of rock stars per capita outside of the Sunset Strip.
They walk and talk it every hour of every day, the haircuts the clothes the drinking...name it they have it down while I skulk around the perimeter in the same clothes I wore on the plane.
Behold with shock and awe.
What I am trying to say is it was great to see their jaws drop when they came to the show.
Guess that was the most that they have ever heard me talk....
Nothing like getting 200 Germans to yell "Cheers cunt!" after every song.
But back in my fucked up cranium,
Raquel calls me a misery guts and I spent 18 euros to get yelled at today trans Atlantic style.
I wonder what the hell I think I am doing trying to sustain a relationship through the folly that is my volume driven circus of a life.
This is nothing that I didn't know all along but that little drunk sprite by the name of Hope turned up at the valentines party of my soul and danced drunk on the table, treading in the heart shaped cake, twirling her knickers around her little finger crooning
"This time is different...." over and over again in my arms as I carried her to the purple limo idling in the cold, light in my arms.
Her icing coated shoe fell off in the snow.
And as she was chauffeured away I stood there under the streetlight, my breath smoking out like a drunk dragon and I foolishly threw my hat back into the ring as one does after Hope has departed and whimsy arrives by the way of natty lighting and misplaced desire.
I am going to be a teenaged cock head for the rest of my life aren't I?
I don't think that glamour is at a premium dating me. I can't not do my life and I always end up loosing something. People are under the illusion that it's not as hard to be separated if you are the one who is on the road. Which is utter shit if you are interested by the way.
Now all I do in small moonlit vans crisscrossing the continent is panic.
A right fuckin conundrum.
I nicked a packet of razors today. I have to feel something sooner or later. I met a really cool tattooist in Berlin and she is going to do the bullet hole under my chin and my neckpiece for me.
Not soon enough or enough. It never will be.
Berlin was awesome. I drove by Zoo station with my beloved Bowie crooning in my ears of being like dolphins and heroes.
Christine F man...gob smacked I was.
Miss Billie was the only feature missing for me as she carves a hot and heavy emerald path through Melbourne.
We are off to London in 2 days and then waiting to see if we have a support for 13 days in a row through the rest of Europe.
So this adds up to 10 days in England, pull an all nighter to get a plane at 6 in the morning to get back to Hamburg, swap some luggage and get on a night liner bus drive and play the 1st show that night.
Kind of craving it. Stress and all cause then I will know that I am doing something. The something that I came here to do.
Saw the final artwork today for the album, to tell the truth I had forgotten what it looked like. Seems like a million years since me and Steve sat down to nut it all out. The little girl on the back cover is my most beloved Saint Tina with her baby sister Wendy, sadly deceased. It's a photo that I have carried around for years, I'm not even sure that she knows that I have it.
Its perfect. They look perfect to me.
Bits of my treasures all over it. Crap that I find on the ground or get given. I am glad that I got to have such a strong hand in doing this and that I got away with it. Its kind of voodoo inspired. No full sets of lyrics just bits and pieces. All the thank you lists and fleur-de-lis through the border in homage to my ink and my drowned city.
That and the autopsy cover. My favourite picture is behind the Cd.
My head is so clogged up. I am writing this at the table. At the other end Peter of Finland and Quiggs of no fixed address are doing a German lesson in fair trade of a drumming lesson. Ashley is home so I have my headphones on and cranked to the top notch to drown out his voice.
The Lemitz show was a fuckin blinder. As there is no stage I ended up bare foot on the crappy red Formica bar in a puddle of tequila with some drunk woman cooing to my foot and ruffling my leg hairs between petting the wart on my toe.
What can I say to that?
As I had a cordless mike I ran out and sang my guts out in the middle of the street. I was wearing the same rags that I had been wearing for the last 3 days and as many shows. There is a stunning point that one reaches when you know that you cant reach or drop any lower as it stands. You want to see how little you can care.
Upon walking home I passed the shop with the giant cock cake in the window. Pirates abound, as do rude Turkish men who have stopped spitting at me everytime I pass the station since I started growling at them.
I offered Ashley to people all weekend as a gift. No takers.
Over hearing nothing but German. It's starting to make me crazy. Rest assured that I can always tell when people are giving me shit no matter what language its in.
And to all those who asked my birthday sucked fetid ass as usual.
I really can't be fucked with this tonite. Going to run now. Sooner I get back the sooner I can have sharp things and wet white tiles. A fine reward for a not so fine person.
SF4L
Michele.
September 13th 06'
I'm taking over this ride, I'm taking over you.
-Pod People.
With all the drugs in the world.
-Courtney Love.
Misery lo!
But don't fret too much; it's all internal and driven by the month of September.
The weather has been stunning and I have been sunning myself on the tar roof like a big fat beached something-or-rather high above the Altona market place.
Amazing having an ozone layer for a change. It's all so genteel.
I miss the violence of the weather at home though.
Aching for it to tell you the truth.
As I write this I can see a poster of myself, which is always a disturbing way to start the day. It's for a show that we have on the 23rd here in Hamburg. Me in full flight.
I look at it and think, "Who is that animal?"
Ever useless on the computer and I have to send off a spate of interviews that I did till 4 in the morning and I felt like I was bleeding from the ears. They keep asking the same questions so I have resorted to lying to amuse myself.
My bank will not let me access any funds after I got into a tussle on the Reeperbahn with an unhelpful atm machine. I now think that it spewed all my money out when I walked away. Not getting completely stressed out over this is taking an iron will that I thought I had misplaced many moons ago.
It is doing wonders for my diet though.
Ash is shagging his way through the boredom barrier from what I can ascertain, mike is happy, and Ross is in Spain engaging in all mannor of lewd behavior I am so sure.
Woke up at 7 this morning and here I am. Again.
I go to the kogge to check m emails and what not. I paid Pete in 5 cent coins yesterday he raised an eyebrow at me and intoned ???You must be kidding?"
Was I smiling?
No I was not.
Then I am not kidding.
Pete is a cack. From Finland, as pale as buttermilk. I look like a Moorish witch seated next to him by comparison. He has a Scottish brogue so it's like Sean Connery by way of a gnome incrusted depressed herring driven ice flow. So strange but endearing at the same time.
He has been promised the job of official grape peeler and fan waver.
Still cant be as social as my brothers. I am running and paying for it. Huge lumbering beast that I am. I don't think about why I am doing it I just do it because I have to.
Dry retching by the glass candle display in the churchyard at 10 last night as a choir followed the didget driven ministrations of a thin young man standing on a pulpit behind the rectory window. I stood there painting and gaping like a sweaty pervert. I could not hear them through the double-glazing but my heart hitched none the less.
There is so much going on here and the more vital I find it, the more removed I become. Deviant? More than likely.
I was asked about White trash in an interview this week which was a shock because as I said they tend to all ask nothing but stock questions. He said it " is honest."
Interesting
I think its me beating myself up in public.
I don't really know what the fuck it is.
He asked me if I am Whitetrash.First time I had smiled all day
Gotta chat to Paris this afternoon. Phone throughs. If I told you how much I hate the sound of my own voice at this point you would never believe me.
Blackie writes me from the states and is happy with the selection of vegan fair and chocolate soy ice cream that is wildly available. Playing and tweaking quad boxes. I miss him
Did a new song with ash yesterday. I have one more to do today and then I am dry again. I am not coming up with the goods right now...it's like a blocked oil filter; it comes in fits and starts.
I am going to wait for the sum to hit our rooftop then I am going to throw myself at its mercies. I can do email shite later. Ment to be shopping for tee shirts to print on before Ross gets back. I told number one son last night that I would love it here if I were here without me.
I'd be having a fuckin ball.
I can't seem to write fast enough and every thing I do right Ash looks at me like I am something distasteful that he just trod in. He is pissed at me for not bring my lyrics, for not having them in my computer.
You got it; I can't get it fucking right.
Shoulda woulda coulda didn't...my fuck up.
I didn't think that this was going to be such a full on writing jag. I can't believe that we get the music that we do to tell you the truth because I can't imagine feeling much worse about myself as I do when we are recording. I fucking hate it and if it had a say I'm sure it would feel the same about me
When he corners me I tent to retard and automatically write the same track over and over.
Just so he doesn't go through me.
I really have no idea how I am going to bridge this.
And I have another 10 weeks minium.
I really think that my life wants me dead sometimes, well, more than sometimes, I'd say a good 89-90%
The odds are not real spanky are they?
We don't see eye to eye on anything. If I wasn't cringing so much it would be funny he's not talking to me now. Tell me? You want to be in a band huh?
I spent just as much time not talking to him as well.
Look, I'm sure that people have a lot better time of it than I do.(" I seen the making of the black album doco sonny".... ok.... maybe not).
The more he stays at his girlfriends house the more time it buys me so I have my fingers crossed on that front.
I am topic free at the moment. Let me explain. When I say that, what it means is shit is not jelling in my head, its more feelings that I find hard to articulate.
Knowing me now that I have said that I will write 10 tn a row
I can only hope this is the case.
If I ruled the world (working on it....) I would ban September outright. Just cancel the fuckin thing.
Ross just got home from Spain fit and well.
What am i doing?
Hmmmmmm
They were filming a movie in and around us yesterday.... so there I am, in a bikini on our roof listening to the stones quite happy on diet pills and my yammering internal life, peppermint tea and a bottle of water when all the sudden like a fuckin dinosaur, a cherry picker swims into view with 2 smiling dudes and a rack of lights in it.
I almost crapped myself.
When I had recovered a little decorum, not that I had much to begin with if the previous paragraph is anything to go by, I went and watched the scene that they had been setting up for all day much to the detriment of my hectic tanning schedule.
A dude jumped out of a six-story window.
The sound of a human hitting 10 feet of cardboard boxes is not very pleasing to the ear.
Mike just said something about tee shirt printing tonite; Sir pointy pussy whipped is at a meeting to see if he can get some work here. Good luck says moi.
Deluxe is off somewhere and my significant other is rolling drunk in Sydney town
Hateful fucking day of birth looming like some kind of unavoidable natural disaster. Significant other got a tattoo for me. Lily-white tiger is going to take a picture of it and send it to me. What a cool gift. I still have to get hooked up on the ink front here.
I don't socialize at home and nor do I on the road. I have been told to get a network happening.Friends.Good lord!?Um.... no?
Eh.... Fuck off perhaps...
Just do my thing and train.Meh.I wont be happy till I am thin again. I will have a party when my hateful thighs no longer touch.
So all in all I guess to quote QOTSA I have to just go with the flow.
Wrote a song called "Warranty" Today. I am holding my own hand and bribing myself into this shit. I keep abandoning this one song about necrophilia but it's coming back around.
"What a life!" As Miss Amphlett would say.
SF4L
Michele.
September 1st 06'
Gronnigen
The Netherlands
Your perfect ,yes its true
-FNM.
I keep the bible in a pool of blood so that none of its lies can affect me.
-Slayer
It's a dream house. I can imagine in my worst times that my imagination would up and provide something this beautiful to run too.
Overdrive bookings are a family business with open arms. Years ago when I Had the ranch a beautiful dread locked girl was blown through the red front door and now years later I am typing this in her warm living room waiting to go and play again tonite.
The boys have gone on a cigarette run and I am blissed out with a sore neck. It was so quite here that it almost kept me awake.
The world is a headfuck that's for sure, the more that I see the more aware of what I want and am to become.
I ended up in a coffee shop before the show with Solange and David. Them spliffed up and drawing me blanketed in a shroud of dope smoke.
Solange is a sikfuk that I had met on my space and then when I walked out of the bar to write there she was. An astounding thing. It was like meeting Erik in Brisvegas.It makes the planet less foreboding.
She showed me her jacket after the show while I was standing barefoot on cobblestones outside the bar.
"It got rained on but still..." She smiled
And there it was,
SF4L.
Been thinking about Ash cocks heaps, I know that somewhere somehow he is seeing all of this and I cant believe that 3 years have gone so fast.
I talk to him in my head.
[Mate I am in Germany I think, I speak to your wife whom I love all the time. So angry that you didn't stick around but you know that I understand]
There was no fold back at all so I pulled into my head and cut it loose. Every time I moved I nearly collided with a headstock. The mike lead was so short that I felt like a dog on a short leash. A cute Slayer fan told me that she loved "Seasoned in destruction" all the while grinning wildly. There were a couple of jocks calling me a faggot, which I guess, means that I look like a pretty boy at least.
Even after I fronted on them they backed down and I ended up just laughing in their faces. Never doubt that ignorance is universal kids.
Every show we paly I know that I have a really long way to go. I don't think that's a bad thing but it makes me aware that I do have my work cut out for me.
I am doing a phone through interview in the car going to the show tonite shake my head with amazement at this dream life that is coming true. I dreamt that was hanging out at a Buddhist shrine with D.Boon from the minutemen last nite and I choose to take that as a good omen.
Woke up under low wooden gables and open the red curtains to vegetation like you would not believe stay in bed for hours almost paralysed with a peace that has only ever come to me a few times. So relaxed that my eyes began to water. Astounding.
Thank you Holland.
SF4L
Michele.
August 28th 06'
To many teardrops for one heart to be cryin'
-? Mark and the mysterions.
Nothing is more expensive than a start
-Nietzsche.
Bordom; the desire for desires.
-Leo Tolstoy
So we are gonna jam a song today that I never thought would se the light of day. I wrote it with a severely broken heart.
Its called "my Issue" but from the amount of ribbing I am getting it may as well be called "Get a tissue"
The boys insist on calling it my great ???emo" effort.
I cringe.
We all hold our hands over one eye,as a fringe and pretend to cry.
Ross did one of those nice "This doesn't mean that im SORRY or anything like that" gestures. I came home from hours of msn madness to find a paper bag full of pulp novels outside my bedroom door.
Being that I usually read a book a day back home and have been starved for the last month this is a godsend.
Ash got all his pedals fixed today for the sum of 22 euros. The dude gave him a saint Pauli beanie and a beer while he worked on them. Gotta love the way that business is done in Hamburg.
Me and [sm] ash share the dininggroom as a workstation since Ross lost it at him for humming continuously while playing guitar. It doesn't bother me none. I just put on my Discman and drift away.
Turns out that the asbestos drama was urban legend so I aint moving not that I was gonna anyway.
I talked briefly to saint Tina today she sounds good, I attempted to get all the feelings that ding around in my empty head like an sorrow driven pinball.She dosnt need that from me but never the less.
I have my headphones on cause everyone is driving me spastic again.Don't want to listen to ash rewrite history.["That's not how it happened man!I was there too...."]
Pointless really.
I have started this a few times tonite. Can't pin down what I am feeling the hardest, memories and what not are fighting for supremacy with in me and all I am is a scar covered flesh battlefield.
People are falling away again and I am not doing a goddamn thing
It all seems to go on a 5-year drop off.
Nothing is too personal. And like Perry said nothings shocking.
Once again I can't be bothered with myself. Just fall asleep cause then you are not here and here is where you are.
Skoota wrote me tonite from Nz.Full of kindness that I hardly knew what to do with. How has it been so long? So many years bleeding together. The last time I saw him at manly fishos he glowed. The ranch a million years ago. I was disposed of neatly.
I wish that there were a net connection in the compound. When we were in Calgary I would go 13 hours at a time in that craptacular net cafe. Here I just count the cracks in the ceiling and try and redeem myself.
Fuck it, my brain is skittish like a goddamn colt. Going to take it into the back paddock and shoot it.
SF4L
Michele
August 27th 06.
C'mon man! Where's your will to be weird?
-Jim Morrison.
It isn't important to come out on top, what matters is to be the one who comes out alive.
-Bertold Brecht.
,p>
Pathos is the sense of distance.
-Saint-Exupery.
What other dungeon is so dark as ones own heart!
What jailer so inexorable as one's self!
-Nathaniel Hawthorne
If it keeps on raining the levees going to break.
-Memphis Minnie.
And I just wanna say that I miss you and I've been pitiful since you've been gone.
-Powderfinger.
Slept all day and am going to be up all fucking night.
I got told tonite that I am not learning anything new about myself, so join me if you will [not that I really fucking care] on a daytrip into god knows what. There will be cake and a quiz.
Well, no cake cause my life is a diet and no quiz cause as we all know there are no wrong questions and so on and so forth.... The nerve in the lower right side of my jaw is twitching again.
There is a part of me [8 years old, fat, friendless] that is wailing tonight "I wanna go HOME".
Pointless really as I don't have a home to go to and if I did I would have a whole other mess of issues to deal with. Although it warms my fucked up heart that Diamond Lilli invited me to go back and live with her and the Pornstar. They both write and tell me that they miss me and I am touched.
The grace of this homeless state, it can veer from liberation to desperation so fucking fast.
I'll tell you what's just side splitting hysterical to me at the moment. My voice gets better as the rest of me falls apart. Thanks a fuckin million!
And now for something random.... I think that reason that people get away with so much is because no one wants the call them on it, cant be assed steeling themselves for the confrontation.
Tonite I would give anything to be on my bike flying around Sydney in the warm air. Slayer blaring in my headphones, Salt on my skin, arms waiting to love me, honest sweat and money in my pocket.
I hate all of this waiting; this filling of time like a jail and playing live is the parole. I hate not working I always have and I am coming to terms with the fact that I am useless at structuring my own time. I veer towards depression too easily.
I know that if I left that no one would chase me and or miss me so I stay and eat shit off fine china with a gilded spoon.
When you're up, your up....
I have hardly been able to sustain a relationship my whole life and yet here I am 6 years deep with not one person but three and I really don't know what the hell am doing. I wish that I had of constructed a bigger life away from it, but it is all that I wanted and I couldn't see anything else.
Fool? I guess if the shoe fits? Tap-dance.
I don't know what else I would do and that can be most confronting. I like to think on a good day that I may have something else in me but I doubt it. I don't even know what to look for. A book? I'd dig that. One down unpublished still.
I still like it here, this corner that I inhabit. Its just there there is a lack.
And the lack is me.
I was safer when I didn't try to trust. Ross thinks that I lump all of my abandonment issues onto him. How would he feel if I held it over him? I doubt that he would care.
Knowing him he wouldn't even notice.
I don't think that anyone would. I can't win with him so I guess that the next challenge is to stop trying.
Stop trying and just work.
I vacillate so wildly knowing that it's no good but still longing for friendship within my own ranks.
It is the pathetic kicked dog in me that I hate the most. I have been trying to run it over with the internal truck of bone deep knowing and logic for years.
It deserves to die; you really have no idea how much.
I am damned if I do and dammed if I don't.
This is why love is no good for me.
If I was home?....
I would be longing to be in the back of a van again. I always think that I am going to get it right "Next time".
That when I am deep in the heart of one [The Mc Job, being home] that I will be preparing for the other [On the road, playing] but I'm not and I never do .I just future pace and stress out.
And yet to get my end result I know that I must be here guns blazing and go as hard as I can.
I ask myself all the time what could be so difficult about such a thing? That I am doing what it am that I said that I would do and that millions would kill to be in my place.
I return to the age-old adage of "Wherever you go, there you are"
King Cockhead of Asshole Mountain at your service.
To not be ruled by a dream, by ambition. It's killing me faster than it's saving me. How nice it would be to be ignorant, to just plod through life not chasing the storms, the highs that haunt me. To be happy with my lot in life whatever it might be.
I wrote to Miss Terror that I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grow up that I wonder what job I am going to do. She fired back quick smart "Um Honey? You are doing it right now"
"Ah! So I am," I think.
What is a simple life and where can I sign up?
Storm chaser. I like that.
I harken back to the people that I admire. The ones that explode in my past like fluorescent glitter bombs.
A long time ago I lived a solitary summer with a goddess in Los Angles.
Motivated beautiful talented in all number of areas. A total package and knock out. In short everything that I would have wanted to be. She looked like she owned it and got it at the best price in town.
Away from admiring eyes it was a whole other story.
She was a total addict, self-mutilator and hater. The coke, the cutting, the abuse but she was always the coolest.
Which then got me to wondering if there are any happy driven people at all or is it more about what you show instead of what you know.
["Don't hate the player baby" he grinned at me "Hate the game"]
Rank rank rank...........
I think that I woke up because I couldn't stop dreaming of the dance scene in Napoleon Dynamite over and over. No one, no matter how lazy and evil needs that much Jamioquoi in his or her lives.
It's about 7 now and the boys are jamming.
I don't think that they want me around so I am going to stay in my room.
Ash and his woman were walking back to her place right now when Ash pointed out where we were living
"Oh No!" she gasped, [no doubt with a charming accent] "That is the ghost building full of asbestos! That's why no one lives there"
Asbestos.
Fucking magic.
All I could think of was Blackie throwing an absolute fit. He will never hug me again if he finds out about this. Ross tells me that we are now all dying and I mutter, "I wish to fuck that I would hurry up if that is the case."
Mikey just stuck his head round my door to tell me that I am welcome to come in at anytime. Bless.
I also dreamt that I pushed Fat Sally over in a port-a-loo, which had me smiling.
Tried to get in touch with Toddski but no joy. I can't believe that 2 of my only friends are so far away from me in time and distance. I haven't seen Toddski since 01' and my beloved Gooch out in the desert since 96'.
I am having a definite problem with time at the moment as I think that I should be no further along than say late 98'.The boys just rolled into "Diatribe" again and I really cant be bothered to get out of bed.
Moo.
Four people and 2 sets of keys is also a definite pain in the ass. Ross wont buy anymore phone credit and Ash wont buy a phone. Stayed up all last night reading one of Rosscoes Bernard Cornwall epics. I'll be wearing a fucking cloak and playing dungeons and dragons next.
Now they are playing "DNA"
I remember sitting out the front of The Ranch waiting for Ross to come pick me up and writing it there, on the footpath, really hot.
That's when Ash was at GMD and I would go over there, eat sushi and try and record something worthwhile. We did do a version of it that didn't make Detesimony but when he was playing me this track a few months ago the words came back and we rocked it out.
The words are pretty relevant. Guess now more so than ever.
I flipped out rather vehemently year ago when my family [I cant even think of them like that] were spinning around me trying to know me. I am useless when cornered, I come out swinging. An emotional haymaker who gives little thought to personal injury. What a dickhead.
Saint Tina tells me that maybe they didn't want anything. She went and met up with my real mother, which is fine by me. You can't care about something if it doesn't really matter to you. Or should I say exists.
I guess, just as coming from a big family can define you, so can being given away.
I try to look at my motives from a distance whenever possible, to not get emotionally involved with myself.
Believe me there is no blame and I don't revolve around it but it was up in my face so I had to deal with it.
There has been a real ebb and flow on it. Rarely but on occasion, it can make me miserable but that seems to happen when I am tearing myself apart but mostly it makes me feel good. An involantery orphan?
I can dig that. It appeals to my inner pirate, the internal lost boy.
I like that I have no history to live up to .No genetic s glaring out of the faces of others to define and anchor me. As far as I am concerned I am still adrift in the world and anything I do is mine. It can only lead me back to myself because I am all that I have got.
Is that the reason that I didn't want to meet them? Sure, One of them. It's creepy though because now they all know who I am what I look like and I don't know them. My father [????] wrote me to tell me that one of his sons saw me at the last BDO but didn't come and talk to me. Which I gave thanks for. I am sure that he is a nice kid and all but can you put yourself in my shoes?
There I am doing my job and someone, a total stranger comes up to you and claims kinship?
"Hi Michele, great show!"
"Hey man, thanks I'm glad you liked it!
"Yeah! I am your Cousin-half brother-aunt....ect"
I mean, talk about an uncomfortable situation.
I cracked it in the end and told Saint Tina to tell them all to keep the hell away from me. And she was wrong, everybody wants something. And I don't nave anything to give that I haven't already. I have structured my life very carefully around that. Sue me.
I am never going to put myself in the position to get left again. And I have known that for fuckin ever.
The lads are now beating "Relationshit" to a pulp. It's raining and getting colder by the day and I still don't have a winter jacket. What I do have is a very fucked up right foot that I split open at the last show. I am going to make a tea, back in a sec...
Ahhh....
I am finding very difficult not to think about going home. I never really give a shit but I have something to go back to this time and I keep tripping over the fact.
And even if I do its not going to be the bliss that I am dreaming of now, 3 months by the water and no phone line, no, it will be straight back into the hustle, out of the gate running to get the money to get back here in the shortest time possible. I think that I was born exhausted.
Fucking European time restrictions, sent to try me. I don't have the funds to run to the states for three months and even if I did?
Oh Man.
I am having one of those "Everything is driving me metal " jags and it was all feeling a little to close to Canada when I woke up this evening. We tend to rotate with in 3 so that means that someone is always on the out and today it is my turn.
The boys have just taken a break and are practicing German on each other.
By fuck I hate September. Misery cental.
"MICHELE!!!!!"
"What?"
"Come and sing!"
"Why?"
"Cause we want to sing these songs in the Netherlands"
I will always think that they sound better without me. I need some more tattoos. Free ones if possible. Or a new knife. I saw a Bowie on the Reeperbahn with a hot chick on the handle for 5 euros but travelling with such toys is a major pain in the butt these days
["Ha! Back in my day you could walk on board with a M-16 lashed across your shoulders and the stewdesses would smile and swoon!"]
I guess that I should go and sing. That's what I am here for right?
Later:
We just went and got a feed, which was nice, and we were talking about living arrangements and what not. We are all pretty skint and out on a limb here besides Ross who has an English passport and therefore a net. Whenever something is not to his liking he threatens immediate bailage, which instantly makes me wonder why I bother to invest at all.
"Well" he sniffed in the dodgy lift on the way up "This is the last night that I will be spending here!" [I swear that he is going to start talking in 3rd person any day now and I will be compelled, nay, forced to kill him]
"I thought that we would all stick together, " says I knowing that I am about to be shot down by One Sir Sniffy Mc Born correct.
"Not" he says cutting his eyes back at me "If I can help it"
I feel so close to him until he says something like that and then I question everything and
["You're obviously not learning anything about yourself"]
God he can be a prick.
The ones you love are the ones that will destroy you in the end. They have all the right weapons and you gave them to them.
Sucker.
SF4L
Michele.
August something
Bah.
Fuck my dream state. Wake up more exhausted and befuddled than before I went to sleep. Last night involved tequila, Ross as the star of the show and me being a fucking anti social retard at Lottas mothers bar.
All I do is sit there and write. Ross told me that I am odd which is pretty fucking fresh coming from him.
Enough about fucking Ross, as you can tell he is pretty much the only person that I hang with and when he is narky it does me no favours let me tell you.
Dreams so vivid. One of those mornings when every time I tried to drift off all the things that haunt me became so real in my minds eye that they literally shook me awake.
Both bogus and stressful.
Another day of not a hell of a lot. Miss Raquel wrote to me. Tales of love and club 77 and I miss her so. Getting emails on the road tends to always be a highlight for me. Keeps my mind off my mind to quote my beloved Mr Rollins. Hell, I will take all the outside stimulus I can get.5th day no sugar; now officially fruitier than a mardi gras float.
Maybe my biggest problem is that nothing seems real to me until hindsight mooches up to me at the bar and buys me a drink.
Ah! This dream. I was shagging the wrong person at the wrong time and all matter of shit befell me. I was living off Cherokee in Hollywood and it was an utter bunfight.
We leave to go play again at 2 in the morning. That is something to look forward to. There was a Hello Kitty wardrobe in my dream as well.
Enough.
Jesus fuckin' Christ.
I am going out before I throw this laptop followed by myself out the fucking window.
Catch you after "From the ground up" Festival.
SF4L
Michele.
August something cont:
I can't stand voices and breathing. The moorings are snapping one by one. High tension, ping, ping, ping...
Miss C 93.
I could make it all work for you baby. You could tell me anything and I would take care care of you.
The 1st time I saw her, she was siting at a table with too many grown ups pretending she knew what was going on. Hanging with the suits painfully obvious knew that they were all laughing at her and it made my chivalry hitch and cringe.
Se looked so goddamed lonely. Uncomfortable and overdressed. Tiny heels beating a tattoo against the legs of her chair. She sensed me before she saw me, little fox. Tiny even terrier teeth. She turns to me arms pressing in on each side of her torso, she makes her cleavage pout at me.
Until she's sees my eyes and realizes that I don't need that.
I loved her then and I love her now.
Couldn't save her. I didn't stand a chance. But she knows that I didn't want anything.
All my words are dying. I have these perverse fantasies of vows of silence except for being on stage. I feel like I am doing nothing, saying nothing but the same things over and over again and that I am learning nothing nor am I getting any better at it.
I have to learn new ways to learn.
I have resumed a correspondence with a treasured friend. He and I can hardly be bothered to converse when we meet which is very infrequently as we live different lives in different cities. But via email we are on fuckin fire. His missives kept me sane during the great LA disaster of 05'.And I figure that they will do much of the same service this time out for me.
He asked me, all casual like "How are you doing'?" after I had sent him a gushing missive from the front lines. Took my breath away that he looked through what it was that I was doing to enquire about "Me"
Kindness makes me duck my head stutter and blush like a fool. I don't know what the hell to do with it.
He made me pause and think. I answered honestly. I said that I tend not to think about it all too much but I think that i'm ok.
I propped up the bar last night. The watcher. The scribe honey. All this beauty fuckin with my wires. Lotta's friend, the gypsy called me "cute" last night cause all I do is say nothing and refuse to make eye contact.
"Cute".
Fuckin great...
There was a stem of lilies in a tiki vase on the bar before me. The scent reminding me what had been extracted.
What price had been paid.
Then:
Lillies at 60 dollars a bunch. Wrapped in miles of white tissue paper, swaddled like new borns. Once upon a time when he loved me and I tolerated myself to a slight degree, my beautiful fairytale house by the water would be filled with important, indulgent bunches of white vanity.
The scent trailed me like a ghost.
And now?
Still...
To this day, able to king hit me in a bar in Germany.
Go figure.
SF4L
Michele.
August 26th
There aint nothing like a festival crowd
There's too many people so we play too loud.
-Spinal Tap.
That was the cutest fucking festive I think I have ever been to in my life. I have got more laminates over the last month that I think in my whole life thus far. Only a few thousand people but it was bliss.
We rolled at at some stupid hour of the morning with our driver Nick who is about 6'7 of Ali gs lost twin brother top guy. Queen snot got the back seat and passed out. I don't know why they let me do that but I wont complain
For all of its ass cramping glory its where I am the happiest. Got my feet out the window and my Discman on 10.Miss Raquel game me the best headphones before I left so I am in her debt. I just drift in and out of the best daydreams. Mostly involving Persian carpets, extensive free dental work and the ocaean.oh and fruit.
I have a screaming backache due to van travel and a craps day's sleep. Got up way too early and mooched around st Pauli muttering to myself. I didn't buy one-piece of candy at any truck stop yesterday either so I feel like I have at least jumped one hurdle.
A Bavarian guy brought a cd off me and asked me why I spit so much. A good question to which I had no answer. Trying to read metal hammer in German does my head in.
My guess is that the boys are down at the kogge online and in Ashley's case hungover. Remind me to kiss the ceo of Sony if I ever meet him cause my Discman saves my life. If I cant hear ash crapping on I don't get into a fight with him and the there s no blood spilt. Sweet.
Was reading the "Up from the ground" festival history and Hobbs angel of death played on it a few years ago which is so cool. Nixon tells me that this next MFTB is the last one ever??? Huh???That's the one that I tell all the people that I meet out here about and heaps have heard of it to but from what I can aasitain it's a year round job organizing one of these things. I went onto the site but it didn't say much.
Then I decided to go and fuck around on blooddusters site. I need that new album soooo bad. It's been too long. That and Pod people and I will be a happy camper.
This is all over the place huh?
Ok, so another festival where no one knows who we are and its raining and we are the 1st band in.i love it.
By the end of the day I am hiding in the catering tent and ash is drinking mead out of a bulls horn inappropriately touching Bavarians and telling every one that he loves them between trying to pick on me.
The last time I saw mike he was hanging out with the German Andrew Stockdale. A mighty Afro. I dread the think where Ross is. There is some fierce pixie meat on parade and Ross has a tent fetish due to his hey day as one of Baden Powell's foot soldiers.
We won some new tribe and that is the reason to get and stay on the road. It works for me.
SF4L
Michele.
August 25th 06.
I walk through miles of jungle; I walk through yellow miles of pain.
-Rollins Band.
Bonjour
Whoops wrong country.
Gutten tag.
I slept all day, and I mean all of it. Was woken up by the grandeur that is my 3 brothers jamming across the azure carpeted hall at 5 every afternoon.
Dreamt of Tommy Lee complaining about the backline. Whatever the hell that is ment to mean.
We leave for a festival in Frankfurt tomorrow. Joy of all joys we are not camping the night. Our driver sniffed and said "No way" so we concurred without much arm-twisting. No showers and shit and I smell like a long distance trucker after a 45-minute show so...um ...you get the picture.
That and the fact that I refuse to wear shoes and roll all over everything I come up looking like a Dickens character, cept my fat ass would have got stuck in a chimney.
I am feeling all saint like, as I have not imbibed any sugar in 3 whole days. Watch the stocks in gummy bears fuckin plummet now! Roscoe got me onto this militant bodybuilding book and it's made me nuts. I now eat 5 times a day, count calories and do sit ups till I need to shit.
Ross was all like "Oh no..."
He knew that I would take to it. He is back too. We all get our periods at different times and when he told me "You look like you were dropped on your face as a child" I knew that things were back to normal. Cool.
He can give it but he sure as hell can't take it.
I haven't sung with them today. They have got a filthy groove on and I decided that it's wiser to leave them to it.
Thanks to number one sons pavement pounding gigs are now starting to filter back in.
I hear that it is hotting up back home and my envy bends and stretches back towards the coast. Hamburg is pretty much grey all the time but is good broody weather, like I need any bloody help on that front.
Ash has a date tonite ["I think she's crazy! I like her!"], Ross and Mikey are doing their thing so I guess that I will check my emails wander round listing the Bowie [At Last!] come home and keep fuckin around.
I finally wrote all the lyrics out for the last 3-albums.headfuck central. I had to listen to the 1st album to do it and I sound so little on it! So fuckin cute. Which makes me even more eager to drop the 4th one now.
As I hunt and peck my way through this at the dining room table the lads just launched into my new fave."Relationshit" Long story, I'll get around to it one day.
Tea without sugar makes me think that I am doing penance for something that I cant quite remember but may or may not have involved a wood chipper and a dead hooker. I'll take the 5th.
My mind has defiantly stripped another gear. I got 3rd and reverse on the highway to hell baby and I aint commin back. Hell, 3 Vikings chased me around at summer breeze yelling ???"Captain Jack Sparrow!"
Good God.
Later
SF4L
Michele.
August 23rd 06'
Weight of my heart, not the size.
-AIC.
It's just a test
A game for us to play
Win or loose it's hard to smile
-Steve Harley and The Cockney Rebel.
How to survive. There are practical measures that avoid me I tend to veer towards loud things that bruise me. Sonic things that fuck like a professional, that get you higher than any available deity and or drug of choice.
As I did sit ups on the blue hall carpet my spine screaming under all the weight that I had let accumulate on my abused corpse I could hear his fingers scratching and depressing the strings.
All of this and glory too.
There is a trick that I must master. To store conversation and allow it to ripen rather than throw it down like a bad hand at every available opportunity.
Do we all hate each other? At times, yes. There is no indication of the path. I desire illumination. I get none but like Gatsby I still beat on.... and on.... and on...
The green light that promises that it will all turn and that history will change. That I can amend all my seemingly fatal mistakes. That Daisy will leave Tom and fold into my battered arms and I can fix it. I am worthy, watch me.
Tricking my body, short bursts of fevered and painful activity. It hurts and I like it. I think that I like it a little too much to tell the truth.
My mind wanders all over what I have left behind me once again. Raquel's eyes flashing private laughter and dark humour into mine across an asshole filled room, Wondering if Miss Kitten has refrained from returning to the one that I believe left unchecked will finally kill her, Miss terror on the train to tattoo town every day.
Vanity makes me question weather I occur to them as richly and vividly as they occur to me. I doubt it; somehow have always had far too much time on my hands.
No forgiveness, just numb acceptance.
The owner of the bar has the most chilling blue eyes and lilting voice that turns every sentence into an enquiry .I find it hard to look at him, his vowels clipped, hands soft through air, liquid silver, age, time.
If we could only hook into peoples history like a fish to be caught. I am a fiend for fables, to see, to look, a voyeur and I see it constructed of soft paper leather bound, things pressed between pages stolen private and sacred. All we are is some kind of story. Lost to death.
There is zero recovery.
Everything falls.
The friendly barmaid with the blunt fringe has a red radio birdmen tattoo on the inside of her wrist. I close my eyes and drift on tides that have no name but don't give up.
If you stay quiet you have no origin. Silence is its own language and is as noisy as any other.
Bottles wink slyly at you from their mirrored enclaves behind the bar. On a clear day the whole world wants to get a finger under the elastic leg of your knickers and buy you a beer.
Call you baby, honey forever.
(I just can't stand it, I cant, and I cant...)
On a strong day the thieves creep in. They know that you are on top of your game, that you are otherwise occupied with self-congratulary focus, the beating of your drum, the fighting of your war.
By the time you crash [and you will crash my little solider] and your medals are nothing but glorified tin you will look around and know that you have been robbed again.
Remind yourself constantly that you are to blame.
Hate is my co-pilot and I admit to it. Not going to be a fake Mr feel good type, not going to lie.
I used to always think that something would come up but I know in my heart of hearts that there is no 11th hour reprieve for trash like me.
SF4L
Michele.
August 22nd 06'
[Listening to "The Best of Buddy Guy" late with a messed up head.]
I wasted time and now time doth waste me.
-Shakespeare, Richard the second.
People only see what they are prepared to see.
-Emerson 1863
The damp of the night drives deeper into my soul.
-Walt Whitman.
Sacrifice not thy heart upon every altar.
-Thomas Fuller
You don't learn to hold your own in the world by standing on guard, but by attacking and getting well hammered yourself.
-George Bernard Shaw.1911.
I am a fool for it you know.
An utter martyr on it.
[Burn witch burn....]
Life, love and the eternal list that consumes me.
I break myself for my heroes, [My very few friends and even smaller amounts of family.] the ones that I want to view me if only for a second the way that I view them and I am getting to think that it is a kind of sickness, that there is something wrong with me and I know that that is why I have avoided love almost my entire life.
Because in love? In love I will do anything
Nothing tears me a fresh one as hard as wasted potential and I can fuckin pick em.
And in return it has cost me everything.
I will cut my tainted heart out before you and lay it at your feet for approval.
I am so damaged that I think that if you could love me back...? Could you? Would you???
HA!
Says the true voice inside me. "Asshole" echoes round and round in my skull, a sick refrain.
[The sin is/that you are everything that you hate/you hate/you hate/Ad lib to fade cunt.]
And its there where I have no quarter and am too quick to tears.
... Tired.
With a Renaissance man friend, he woozy with beer in a Greek cantina, me on a contact high due to the swashbuckling glory of his company and fumes alone. I tell him that I am going to have to get back to what I know.
He has seen me there and knows what it involves. What it does to me.
And he tells me that it doesn't have to be that dialectic, that it doesn't have to come from what I know or have known and I snap like a dog, like a child as I don't know where the hell else it is ment to come from
You see my life was small and correct; Corrupt and red hued, utterly criminal and scum riddled and I loved it. It didn't bother to love me back but and it was mine. It was all that I knew. It knew me and there within lies the comfort and the cancer.
To put the record straight I hate who I have become. The person that has been dwelling in me since mid 04' it feels like. I want to cut her face off and feed it to the black dog on my trail." There is a reason," I tell myself "A reason that I have come to this point" I need all the ju-ju that I can muster to divine what it is. I see flashes mama, I got a storm brewing.
This friend. Ah! They save you by small measure and bitter truth via poison don't they? There was no sugar to make it go down. I have fed myself so much sachirinne bullshit of late that I fear that I have become emotionally diabetic.
Saint to none
Unsaveable sister.
[A cautionary tale of Love getting the upper hand also known as "Love!" staring Shiva the destroyer as "Love", watch it at your own peril! the thrills! The blah blah blah...]
I think about her still you know, my sister. I remember how everyone told me that she was nothing but a drug-addled vampire and that there was no good intent within her. But I refused. I refused to believe it. In a way I think that she was my last great love. I told people "You don't know her like I do, you'll see..."
Problem was that they saw all along and I wanted to be there, to let her know that I wouldn't give up on her like so many had given up on me
I was a fool
Beauty owns a cruelty that desires much of the same. She didn't want that from me, the goodness, the eternal cheerleader. She wanted me to be a cunt and I loved her so much that I couldn't do it. She saw me do it to the world at large and then she branded me a fake. No, Just in love with you.
I tried to give you my best when all you wanted was me to shit on you just like all the men that you attracted then deflected.
I used to laugh when monkey would say that I was the perfect boyfriend in a girl's body. But she was right and that's how my own sister treated me in the end.
[Ah monkey, back to Brazil, How the hell have the last 3 years gone so fast? As I tap away in Hamburg tonite Josh Homme and crew are singing to me and we will always have the Queens and the Saga honey, no matter how far apart.... be safe....]
I know now that it is true that nice guys finish last.
I am so tired and confused and I am not sure what I am trying to say.
Just came in with guns blazing all these emotions and ideas bouncing around in my head almost determined to hurt me. It's a pretty unnatural situation for four adults to find themselves in. I am sorted as of tomorrow and after that I am just going to take it one day at a time, just like getting clean again.
I held one of Lottas cigarettes while we were sitting outside "The old sailor" drinking this afternoon. [Them? Beer. Me? Sprite.]
Clean Me.
Never thought that I would look wrong with a smoke in my hand. As the grey sky opened I knew.... It doesn't look right anymore and I want to shed the last of my life like a snake. Then, I figure, all these learned behaviours that do me such regular and abundant harm would look as alien to me as holding a beer does. A cigarette, a syringe...that was then...and this is? I know that it is not "then" and that is enough tonite.
One can only try.
Feel like I am beating myself to a slow graceless end against a dirty glass cealing that I made myself, constructed of little more than fear, spit and grief.
Gotta do what I gotta do.
It's the leaving that kills me. I just up and lose people all the time. Having them die is easier in a way as sick as that sounds.
Ah! That's where we were at." Why I am a retard who can't figure out how to love correctly"
Better not to I think. This friend, he knows me when I cant be bothered to know myself if you know what I mean. He said that it all goes pear shaped for me when someone turns out not to be as great as I believed them to be and then I want to kill them. It stings and makes me wince because he is correct.
110% proof. Bitter to the last sticky drop.
He says that I invest too much. I am a crappy banker of the heart. And I hate that he is right but who wants to find out who UN great any object of their affection truly is?
I want them all to be as great as I think they are. I count on it.
This friend. He takes a long cool draught of his beer and maintains eye contact with me. My eyes mist and drain like the stein in his hand. Feeling as dark as the sky that covers us.
Am I ever going to get this shit right?
Who gives a fuck? The only one I love is on the other side of the planet so I am going to think and wish for the best and get my shit together here before I go completely mad. I am not far off it. I don't think that any of us ever really are.
Can't decide if that bites it or not. Ask me tomorrow.
SF4L
Michele.
Aug 21st 06;
I will be small in small things, great among great.
-Pindar.5th c BC.
Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure / Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
-Byron. Don Juan.
Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy.
-F.Scott Fitzgerald.
I saw the crescent; you saw the whole of the moon.
-The Waterboys
It matters not what you are thought to be, but what you are.
-Publilius syrus 1st c BC.
I used to believe / in secret signs / hateful things / Stomach hitching lies / that attract all the wrong flies / visual honey /gone rancid / nothing left to believe in / if your not angry by now / you fuckin should be...
I spend so long by myself
That you are here
When you are not
And I put all the words into your mouth
Your candy lips
Gracious
I imagine
Pulling a gun on a busy street
A murderers carte blanche
I pump shot after shot
Into surprised faces
And I think
They [you] are so hateful
That their [your]
Parents wouldn't even be surprised that it ended like this.
I feel like we have been gone forever. I guess its because so much has happened in such a short amount of time and the fact that we have done this kind of caper before. You tend to fall in pretty quick.
[" I don't want to hang out with the same 3 fucking people for the rest of my life, no offence..." Rossco] nor do I my little 5 stringed killing machine and I am sure that we all feel the same.
I don't even think that it's been a month yet. Feels like it though. Got long limbs missing me. I don't think that I have ever been missed like this before. I have never missed anyone like this. Just my old crushes that never even knew that I was alive so it's all new.
He tells me that his fat stupid ex has been sniffing around since I left the country ["Fat and stupid" are my opinion as he is far too much of a gentleman to say such things, although he did mention "Saggy assed" on a Jager binge one night and as we all know kids the devil is in the details and that with wine comes truth...]
Anyway, You can imagine where that sent my addled brain for at least 5 very ugly minutes am over it now. Face like a dropped pie and from what I can work out the personality of a busted thong. Whoops!
Did I say that out loud??
Look; I am pretty cool with a heap of my ex's ex's so to speak but this one? I don't like her style and that's that. At least she knows what she has lost.
"Ballroom Blitz" just came on! Scuse me while I jump round like a headcase, back in a sec!
I fuckin' needed that!
We have got the "From the ground up" festival next week. Obituary and Morbid Angel. I know! Life is so bloody tough!
Now I sound like a little boy whose voice is breaking.Great.That will be me back to it then.
The guys are down the end of the hall watching James Bond in German. I was down there doing really rank sexist translations but it got old pretty quick.
I sang so hard that I popped a bubble in my eye! Argh! "Diatribe" Grooves so fuckin hard! I can't wait for y'all to hear this stuff! The room that we jam in is so small so after 2 songs it's all smelling pretty meaty in there. I guess it's about 12 foot by 12.tight. I can't remember where my voice is ment to be on "Se7en" though. I will find it.
I think that I am gonna call my auto biography "Shitty PA" Gotta enough years under my belt now to know that if the speakers are up on those supermarket sweep style poles that I am gonna sound like Joe Cocker by the end of the ordeal.
Worth it though.
I have gotta send all these postcards and shit today.
Got a cool email from Dion Driver.Dion is the drummer from Fort. Really cool to hear from him. Made me remember that I do have some mates back home who are worth flying the flag for.
One of who is my most beloved big brother who is finally touring America again in about 2 weeks. Monkey emailed me to tell me that she is off to Brazil while he kills it on the road.Cool.She also wanted to say sorry for not returning my Black Flag shirt.
Ah family.
Ya gotta love it.
I gotta tell you more about "Checkpoint Charlie" That's what I am calling our compound. So it used to be this huge office block. We are up on the 8th floor and are the only people in here. I shouldn't tell you this but Ross won't go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
It really is that freaky. Imagine living in a deserted mall. I keep expecting the elevator doors to open with a deluge of blood and twin girls' ala "The shining". Ross made axe murder noises at me when I was in the crapper last nite.
So I switched off the light when he was in the shower.
I wish that I had a CD player in the bathroom. The echo is fuckin dreamy. They knocked a toilet out of one of the stalls to put a shower. There are 2 urinals with little soccer nets with red balls suspended in then to give the lads something to aim at.
If you want hot water you have to turn the faucet all the way into the cold and pray. Our landlord and his uber babe girl friend just walked in. They are both so stunning I think that I will go and hide in my room so that they don't ask me out. There is a lightweight bar hop to take place tonite but I think that I will mess around in the shower [oh er Missus!] and sing Toto and Foreigner songs. Not as if the fuckin neighbours are gonna complain now is it?
Being that significant other lent me his digital camera and Ross is learned of the ways of photographic upload I will endeavour to get some pix of this place cause you are never gonna believe me without seeing it.
Sunday tomorrow. I just washed all my filthy shit. Having a place to lay your head should never be taken for granted. And I don't. I should call it a night but I can't seem to switch off. I could walk up to the Reperbahn and watch the scum and hooker parade but that would involve more effort than sitting here trying to get my shit together to have a shower.
Masterdon are playing here tomorrow night. I am broke worst luck. I might try and see if I can blag a ticket.heh.You never know your luck right?
Nite'
SF4L
Michele.
August 20th 06'
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms.
-Depeshe Mode.
Competitions are for horses, not artists.
-Bela bartok.1962
It is easy to be brave from a distance.
-Aseop.6th C BC.
Hey pig, yeah you.
-NIN.
If your out to beat a dog your sure to find a stick.
-Yiddish proverb.
I am a dog
I am THE dog.
I may or may not be the dog that Iggy sings about.
No matter
I am untrained and unwanted.
The gift that didn't stay cute.
I am behind the bars at the pound, you overlook me and I am heading for puppy Auschwitz....
Unless that is, unless...
I am roaming
I see where your bodies are buried and I watch you as addictively as crack sprinkled porn
I know all your ugly little secrets
I am getting to know you better than you know yourself and with your ego intact and your head high you discredit me because I don't fit your visual standard.
And that is exactly what I want.
I am the mutt of all ages and I have nothing to lose.
You don't even see me.
But you will, you will...
mmmm.....
This is about cowards and stick wielders.
This commences upon the ashes of those who don't have the courage to face me.
Make sure you have a strong grip on that stick honey, watch that I am not rabid; I will snatch it from you the first chance I choose to take. I wont beat you back, that's what you want. I will snap it in front of you and walk away.
I love that it grates on you.
I love that I grate on you.
It's the gift that keeps on giving.
It's like Xmas every day.
Its like a lottery and I won a lifetime's supply of knob jockeys to mess with to my hearts content.
Happy birthday to me,me,me.....
Kinda hacked off that you haven't armed your feeble selves with a bigger and better stick to tell you the truth. I can't believe that our haters are not reaching new heights. I mean bored much? All the threads are so tired. Its not as if I haven't given em enough to work with.
We are one of the most hated bands in Australia who have signed to one of the biggest metal labels in the world. Played Wacken which got us onto a heap of other festivals all over Europe. Including Bloodstock in the UK.
C'mon you faggots? Gimme more. Because you give me the fuel that I need to keep going. I fucking love it.
I have been hated by my own blood for Christ's sake! You are going to really have to throw your back into it to make me stop giggling and shake your little yellow hand.
So we don't sound like anyone else and we don't care.
Oh Boohoo!. Go and brasso your fuckin bullet belt ya little girl.
Stay in your little bubble while I put my money where my mouth is.
Back to now.
Back to Germany.
I am listening to Blooduster at Maximum volume ["And this ones for all you straightedge wankers...."] right now, which is not helping my headache much. There is a fierce lightning storm playing fucky with the sky over Hamburg tonite. Why so loud? Ash is watching soccer with some mates down the end of the hall and he is one of those people who when faced with someone who doesn't speak English believes that all he has to do is speak louder and that will break the language barrier.
Oh brother.
Deluxe is in a rotten mood and has locked himself away.
Mikey is practicing.tap,tap,boom,boom.......
Ash is yelling at bewildered Germans
And I am here writing to you.
We went and played another great festival on Thursday. "Summer Breeze" And yes they played the song in its original form and then the Type O negative Version. More than a few times...it was kinda sweet. A late inclusion, I am thinking that the band we covered for are in rehab. I am always thinking along those lines. So yeah we drove 6 hours played, I handed out a zillion stickers, signed stuff and did photos. Cool.
Got to watch The Haunted and Kreator from the side of the stage, which was fucking amazing. Bands that I never would have got a chance to see in a million years. The Haunted brought back good memories. Last time I saw them was at The Metro in Sydney with Bloodduster doing the support. That's when Nixon was still in "em and was in the finest shaved headed form that night.
Enno was a fuckin saint. He is one of the big guns at Armageddon. Drove us to Dinkelsbuhl [I shit you not] and back again. 6 hours each way. The autobahn is a headfuck too.
He was weirding me out before I went on though. Asking If I was gonna wear my beanie and sunnies and stuff. I think that they want me to look a bit more girly or something.
Teehhehehe fuckin hee.
Bit bloody late in the game for that!
I came out to Europe with one pair of cammo shorts and 2 wife beaters and I don't think that much is gonna change on the wardrobe front till we get paid or I start shoplifting again.
I love that a small festival in this country is 20 thousand. Just threw on The Stooges. I think that we are ment to jam today. Its all the new shit. Can't wait to bring that on. I really need it. We keep trying to leave "RFS" out of set lists and get busted cause it's our single here and we are ment to play it. I knew that this would happen. Its 2 years old now and it was funny at the time.... I mean I still like it and all but I want to get Brutal with it again.
Just glad that people are digging us out here. Get the usual shit about people thinking that I am a dude and yawn.... who cares. Just as it has always been when people dig it they are in for life. We are getting a huge push through France, which is really cool. I had no idea who would be into it Zeal says that they have not seen so many of the shops this into anything in this vein since Ministry. Flattery will get you everywhere. Well it's getting me to Paris in a couple of weeks.
Speaking of Ministry introduced Al to Ross backstage at Wacken and Ross was all like "Hey Al" and turned away. Didn't recognize him! Ross is the coolest motherfucker on gods green earth! He was the one who really got me into them as well.
["It was just some drunk dude mish!"]
Bless.
There is a 12 string Washburn here that has made me master a mess of Zeppelin songs. You would too. It sounds so good. As always all and sundry roll their eyes when I play and sing. Ash is a bold face liar. Says that he hates acoustic guitar and what not. Oh yeah? Then how did he end up producing Diana Anaid? Hmmmmm?
Mikey just came out of the rehearsal room. Tells me that they are starting up. We are doing "Diatribe" and "Se7en" tonite. I love listening to them. I just moved to the floor right outside the room and as they have all been practicing independent of each other it sounds great. Ross just told Ash to turn down. Just another day at the office.
I will be sitting a lot of this time out, as they all need to fall back in together and I reckon that there would be nothing worse that turning around and seeing a singer perched there waiting. They usually do this part of it without me anyway.
["I can't hear anything in here"-Ross]
There is a dude who looks like Mark Arm from Mudhoney sitting on the sofa next to me and his feet stink. He just offered me a cookie.
I have been writing some new stuff. I left all my other stuff at home so I would be forced to come good on the ideas that I have been messing with.
"Couch Potato!"
"Hey! I am working as well"
"Yeah right!"
"Fuck off Ash"
Hope that we don't all kill each other. I really gotta join that fuckin gym. Been listening to A LOT of The Rollins band which always seems to signal the start of another heavy cycle of self-abuse involving Stairmasters and a zillion sit ups.
["There is no WAY that I am as fat as YOU!" Sniffs the bass god.]
Oh yes there is smart arse. Have another fucking Bratwurst.
Later.
SF4L
Michele.
Whitetrash August 11th
Hamburg
Germany.
They have tequila-flavoured beer here. I shit you not. Baby bottles of Jagermeister at the tube stations...
As Ross has taken off to Berlin for the weekend I have decided not to leave the hotel room. Yeah I am being snot. I haven't been dressed all day and I picked my hair out.
Have also had 4 showers and used all the towels...Woooo! Rock heaven.
Fuck, where to begin.
It all seems so unreal. Britta and me leave on a press tour after we play 3 dates in the Netherlands. See???How fucking unreal does that look? I feel like the whole world is on just for me right now, as I sit here there are fireworks going off outside the window to Elvis.I couldn't make this shit up, as I tend to veer away from perfection. And as far as I can work out this is fuckin perfect.
My new tattoos swelled up on the plane and the 1st shower in Germany was great. We basically got here and then went and played, it was that fast. We were on this thing along with Mortal Sin and the Tatts called "Rock over Hamburg" Killer fun.
Then we were back there opening for Carnivore a few days after Wacken.Holy Moses got me up on stage to do "To drunk to fuck" an honour! There is footage somewhere. Pete Steel was absolutely charming.which is why I gave him the bottle of red wine that I stole from catering back at the hotel at 2 in the morning.
I am looking tired cause I fuckin am! I cant seem to catch up but what I can do is get used to this.
Funny shit living in a hotel and having no money.dethrowned royalty. Think that I got me a hotel heart as well.
I don't have my usual array of pictures up. That way I can make like it's not as permeant as it is and that I don't miss my significant other as much as I do. I have to get my alien papers here. The mind boggles. We are not going to leave until we get what we want. And one way or another I usually do.
["Your not coming back" He says over the long distance delay. I can't even think about it or I will lose it before I even start]
I have had a few weird moments. Kids with camera phones. It's flattering as all hell.
I am off to Paris and Spain to embarrass myself in front of the worlds press. We just got confirmed for Bloodstock in the UK at the end of the month so I got a mess of press there as well. It's a job now, this is actually what I do and it takes my fucking breath away.
So, here I am in room 503 at the Monopol hotel in Hamburg. Smack in the middle of the red lights. Being the bone deep scumbag I am I could not feel more at home. There is a closed street here. All the hookers in the windows and what not, so in the name of science and so on [humour me ok?] I decided that it would aid my development as a human being to go and window-shop some of the finest workingwomen in the world.
"Women verboten!!!" Said the red sign at the front of the miracle mile.
Not for long....
I have had fuckers calling me "Sir" for years so I strapped the rack down and went in. Miles of women under UV lights, blonde hair glowing.... perved my ass out and the got busted by 3 Aussie metal heads on the way out.
Heh.
Ross has got me learning German and I feel really dominant even asking the time. This is one language that should be dressed in black leather and called "Daddy"
I have got my counting down though. There is an all night porn channel here that has all the phone sex adds on a loop and as they say the numbers they flash up. Kinda like an adult's only sesame street. Whatever works right?
Its so weird being in a situation that was only a fantasy for so long but when I look around I know that I am doing the right thing.
The ground crew at our label are astounding. Being believed in by the real thing makes up for being shat on by the wanna bes at home for so long.
The new single looks awesome and the album is out on the 13th of October.Aramageddon are gonna bring it back to Australia as well so you will be able to get it,don't fear.
This shit is gonna be all over the place so please bare with me. I took a million pictures; I mean the fucking scale of this shit and then to wind it all up on the last nite watching Moterhead by the side of the stage with 50 thousand people out there. Awesome.
I think that I owe Mick Cox and The Rose Tattoo boys my life. I don't think that I have ever been treated so well. Mick is the one who gave us the leg up in Germany. Those guys are treated like gods here. You have never seen anything like it. And I got to wish Angry a happy birthday before he went on.
Teen cream fan dream.
The whole fuckin thing.
It was really great seeing Mortal Sin tear it a new ass on the first night in. I was in the pit just beaming. We all ended up staying in the same hotel so it really did feel like us against the world.
Seeing the reaction to us a few days later was really funny. There was nothing else like us on the bill [As always} but rest assured I am already writing to a whole heap of new euro sikfuks.Got to play the press tent and do some TV interviews.gotta tell you, the press tent and backstage is a total trip. It was a case of who didn't I meet....
I will just post the photos ok cause it does my head in.
I think that we did good the boys were amazing but I know that I could do better. I am gonna have to. I am finally playing for keeps. Just got so used to getting fucked over that I didnt think that all this was really for real.
It's hard as fuck to diet when in the land of the free smorgasbord!
We move into our camp in Altona on Monday so I will drag my ass out of the table dancing clubs and Cafe's and do a zillion sit ups. The gaff that Miss Sheree has got us used to be an old supermaket.5 stories and a full studio with back line. Can't wait.
More later.
SF4L
Michele.
July 26th 06'
Ive paid my dues,time after time.
-Queen.
Jesus come close now,i think my time is near.
-PJ Harvey.
Can you hear them?,they talk about us.
-The Go-gos
Of course I have a head cold on the eve of rock
bailage to kroutland.
Got tattooed today for a few hours and I couldnt feel
a thing.
Told you it was gonna be all about ink and fuckin.[Not
at the same time,like.]
My heart hurts along with my rubber bits.[ Due to an
enviable and fantastic ammout of desperate overuse
thank you very bloody much.]
I just lie there and watch him sleep like I will be
able to pull on it like a reserve while I am gone.
Me ,Miss Kitten and flame haired goddess
Raquel,well,we all know that time is running out and
no one wants to cry.
I have no fucking idea what I am doing.
Besides beating myself up for never being grown up
enough to pull it together.
I will be dumpster diving thru the continent.
Fuck it.
No one is in touch with me at the moment.
Saw the beloved Saint Tina and my pirate brother Jr.A festive dinner and much evil gossip was had by all.
I dont know if I cant get it together cause I keep telling myself that or what? The house is asleep and I was an idiot and missed my window to pass out and hence? Writing shit that is in no way evocative of the inner terror that is looming within once again.
Failure is in no way an option though.Be warned,I am gonna kick so much ass I will go down a shoe size by the time I am done.I am always gonna be insane that is just a fucking given so I gotta keep going. There is too much that wants me to stop.All the little net cowards and my zillion detractors my 8th grade Nemesis and more than likely the monkey hiding in my butt.
I just have to get real and hit the high seas again.the funny thing is is that getting up there and doing ma thang is the fucking least of it.It is the other fated 23 hours in the day that give me greif.I am proud though,zen packing at its finest.I have one change of clothes and a fresh journal to defile.....oh.....and no money.
ahem
Just gotta piss in the wind I guess.I mean,we cant stay here its too depressing by far at the moment as a band.No one in this whore of a ringmeat addled scene wants to take risks and as shitscared as I can get at my lowest I know that that is exactly the path of action that needs to be taken.
Fear is one fuck of a motivator thats for sure.
I cant stop now.And what praytell the fuck would I do?.I win,I am always gonna win even when I think that Im not.So fuck off.
sigh.
So there I was loading stripey homeless person bags of ratty clothes into Jrs car once again thinking about when and where we would all meet again.Saint Tina protective of all my journals in their shit Hello Kitty school case,back into dusty storage for fuck knows how long this time.
Its gonna be summer there.I am gonna stand on the side of the stage and watch Moterhead.Point and laugh at hippies,sleep on the ground.We are all ment to be at the airport at 9 on saturday morning and my stomach is curdling at the reality of it all.Its the getting there that kills me.
I have not seen Ash since we played the last show.The boys tell me that he is good and we are jamming on thursday.Why do I think I am not going to sleep till I get on the plane?Hmmmmm?
Wish I still smoked.
Nah.
I guess that I will hit you guys up after the Rose Tattoo show.Thanks for all the good times at shows and shit since we have been home.Really,you dont know how much it keeps me going when to tell the truth,I could not be arsed.
see y'all next summer.
SF4L
Michele
July 17th 06.
It aint easy livin free.
-AC/DC.
I been workin from 7 to 11 every night,really makes
life a drag.
-Led Zepplin.
This one goes out to the one I left behind....
-REM.
( To be read in the style of Dylans "Subterranean Homesick Blues" If you hold your nose it makes it more authentic,trust me I just did it....)
A-hem.Ready?
Red bull, diet pills, situps till you puke, denial, porn,Huge cocks just smashing shit in, tuna outta the tin, bleach, itchy cut,s tattoo scabs, ill intent, broken windows, whores i like, sweat sweat sweat, broken teeth watching you sleep when I cant ,the teeshirt of love ,bodies colliding half asleep fucking cause every cell wanted you fire on the road bepanthen fall apart to come back together and I never had anything like you before never really cared if i lost again,until you until now......
Or maybe not...heh.
I am gonna take nothing into the wild blue yonder this time.Have whittled 8kgs off my fetid corpulent frame,I piss Chernobyl due to all the red bull and supplements currently using my kidneys as a punching bag.My eyes look bigger on the bitter plains of my face and when I cant sleep i find myself tapping at my now visible sternum as if waiting on admitance.
A whole year twisted away.
Skin thinner move faster.
("You are the boy I want to be" I wailed internally as
he fucked me harder ,driving ,his whip hips nestled
perfectly into mine like Russian dolls,tattoos slick
with sweat and lust I came twisting pinned beneath
him,his teeth locked on the side of my neck.....)
Almost time to go to war.
cant sleep nothing new there.Well,I can,just at all
the wrong times.
had a shocking dream about my sinuous whore of a sister the other night.I woke up with a blood nose just like i used to whenever she was on a coke binge anywhere in the world.It was uncanny.She and Cary would be on a 2 day bender in London and i would wake up heart pounding blood streaming down my face in bed at the ranch.
I wonder if she od'ed? had not really thought of it again till I sat down so I guess in time it all really does fade away.I know she dont think of me at all.I was of no use to her in the end so why would she.She didnt have a heart to break.
Blady blah.
Gooch sent me a mess of pictures from Ozzfest this year.He and Big Val looked great.Big Gene is out there too with Strapping and you never know right? I mean stranger things have happened.....
Like Playing Wacken.
...............w-oah.
I think that this could be an uncool situation.I am
leaving in ...what? under 2 fucking weeks???
Mikey came round to hang tonite after a flurry of text
messages.He said that the jam had gone well and asked
if I could show up at the next one as its the last
chance we have before playing HAMBURG.I am printing
large trying to knock it into my feeble head that its
really on.
No luck.
Just listened to all the new shit in my empty bed (it is now 4;42 in the morning] and still ?......nothing.I sit for hours looking at the euro conversions on ticket prices to gigs that we are playing on in 15 days and.....
Nada.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
ha! A long list but I am after details here.
I woke up at 6 tonite after missing yet another days
trading.There is a list scrawled on my wall in
sharpie,shit that makes no sense in twilight once I
wake up,panicked shorthand written in the dark the
night before (Boxes? hairshit,getshoes....)
And I gleefully dont give a rats ass.
Its got to the point when all my wantonly stoned affiliates are even looking at me with unabashed amazement bordering on dope fueled disdain.
("Dude?Aint you met to be in Holland or somfink?")
lalalalalala.....
Let us harken back to the 1st tour os shall we? (quel shudder) The first time that we really hauled ass as a unit we I ended up in the depths of hell convinced that my gee-tar player was trying to make me kill myself.Prior to it all turning to shit though I was as fresh, eager and well prepared as an untampered with boyscout.
And it didnt matter one fucking bit.I still ate it in a big way.
I cant see myself there.I cant see myself anywhere most of the time .Saint Tina is on her way and i doubt if i am gonna see Blackie and Monkey before I go.There are so many people in my last life i woulda chased up to say goodbye to but as it stands why the hell should i? They give noteth a shite about my warrior ass so I will let em rot choking on the marketable anarchy of King street,the salable cholesterol that is blocking the atreries of the last great punk enclave heart.
Fuck off all lary trustafarian infidels.
Much great conversing was undertaken by No #1 son and
my stinky Pj clad self on the brown couch this
evening.My tattoos nowhere near done and my period
looming like the raven we spoke of all that has come
befre and lead us here.Bloody hell.I have,from all we
spoke about,worked out that I am gonna be ugly as all
fuck out there and merciless.
Thats about it.And that made me smile.
I guess that I will make it out of the house at some bloody point.I find it hard to remember why I need to do this but then I remember that the magic pixies have forsaken me and that there is a mess of shit that I need to do.This week is gonna fly and then I will have a melt down next week and then I will be 8 miles high as my most adored Byrds would sing.
Mmmmmm.Germany.Lots of Museums and War history to set my black heart aflame.Coffee shop[s and David Bowie.Starving to bones and looking grumpy ("Ve are nihilists Leboski! Ve Believe in Nozthing!")
Who the fuck knows right?
I find myself tied in all kinds of strange emotional
knots that I have never had to deal with on this level
before namely being separated from my significant
other.
Although briefly married about a squillion years ago I
have never had to consider leaving someone in my
mentally unstable choppy wake before and its weird.
And I know that its gonna get a whole lot weirder.
I am working on being loved.Not easy.I advised
significant other to leave me at LEAST 3 times a
week,as a mate you understand?
fucking insanity really
The way I am wired is so fucking confusing to my self
most of all. I Say that its cool if he goes to hookers
while I am on tour as I would prefer that to mental
infidelity.I mean,when you gotta knock the top off it
right??....
This it what comes form being raised by wolves and
believing that I was ment to be a boy for the 1st 14
year of my life .
He IS my mate and loves me cause I am mental so he
gets where I am coming from.
Its a mano to mano type thing.
Somtimes I know you cant be faithful so I ask for loyal instead.
There is a chance that it will all be sweet but not alot in my life has been "Sweet" so i tend to do alot of early preparation so to speak.
("Batton down the hatches!Hes been cheating on you with a brain dead 18 year old bikini model!")
You know the fable......
Ho-hum,I wanna make it through this with my Hello Kitty heart intact.
onward and upward.........
There are a fair few cunts that I would like to crease before departing this fair isle once again but as they know who they are I would rather them live in fear for a few months....Although I must say that a few have faded from my shitlist recently.Not through lack of hate mind,Just because they are pathetic and faded and meh.....
I mean why bother? Who wants to punch someone in the
chops only to end up with a shard of crack pipe
inbeaded in your knuckles?
I rest my cast.Its watertight you know?
What did I learn over the last year home?
Well,I saw who was really there for me at my lowest
ebb and they were not there because I was a name to
drop at the pub,they were there cause they saw
something in me worth loving that I can never see and
for that I was humbled and grateful.
I learned to fight smart,that I could live small,that
I could let go, gleefully at that,of the childhood
dream of getting big here,
That the people who run the show here are amoral pig
fucking vampires who are not even worthy of my
scorn,that its good not to run the race here,That
being a SikFuk is indeed for life but most of all that
I can survive fuckin anything and that I did.
And not to get inked before you go up on blocks.Fluid retention is a cunt.
Cars out there sounding loud in the rain.I should try and pass out so I can get it together tommrow.
I guess my last week here will be an unmitigated flury
of tattooing and filthy sweaty sex.
And to quote Sir Lemmy.
"Thats the way I like it baby,I dont wanna live forever!!!!!!!!!!!"
( and dont forget the joker )
A-fuckin'-men.
SF4L
Michele.
July 11th 06'
Making enemies is good.
-The Backyard Babies.
It is complete now,two ends of time are neatly tied.
-Andy Preiboy.
Still waiting for my ship to come in.
-The Divynals
"Bye Bye".
She waves like a spastic child,From the wrist and from
the heart.
I am sleeping alot and at all the wrong hours.Takes me
a while to get there due to panic and stress but once
away I am home and hosed.
I dont have to do anything there.
In fact I think that a Coma my be the ultimate in the
art of avoidance.
My life is fatal.To relate it to a movie it is the final scene of Fight Club.
Ho-hum.
Fuck logic.
Have I packed?
No.
Do I care?
No.
Does any of this seem real?
No.
In a way I guess that it is serving me not to get completely wound up about it all.Throw shit in bag,get on plane,rock....and so on.
I will never get to the poison root of what is wrong with me.
My tattoos are fucking huge though.I cant seem to get enough pain out of it though, so thank fuck for sharp stuff,although thats not really making the grade either.Bummed.
But more to the point,I am not making the grade at all so its all hand in hand.
No one is really bugging me at this point which I am most grateful for..It just keeps on rolling and I tend to believe that I am some what of an inconvenient friend for most.Only made to be wheeled out when I am at the top of my game.
This place will roll with out me and I will roll on.
People are treating me different anyway and its weird.Nah,I dont know what it is but I get approached by people that i would in NO way expect to be into what we are doing and it keeps my lazy mind from narrowing any further at this point.
That is a good thing.
I have never had to leave anyone behind like this before and I dont know if I am emotionally stable or mature enough to do so.I keep saying that I would not wait for me and I wouldnt.
I really am not a fan of myself.More so at this point than any other.
I bug Ross heaps but there are no updates.We are gonna be jamming on weekends and I guess that Ash has decided what will be on the next album without consulting me yet again.I always get out voted.Mikey is up with his dad at the moment and I am seeing St Tina and Jr on her birthday which will be well cool.
Still cant speak german........
SF4L
Michele.
July 4th 06'
Touch me Im sick!
-Mudhoney.
Rain,rain,rain...bah.
This is the "I cant sleep so anything to avoid my great big mess of a life" entry.
Need to get more ink cause the nights are getting longer and the darkness is rising like a brackish tite that I dont want to go under.
As always at this point in my rather stoic development,I am taking cash donations.
Also taking the piss as it takes little or no effort.Revenge is sweet.Red Bull in the other hand is not.I had never ever tried it till I went to work at Club 77 and now I need 2 of the fuckers to get me upright in the morning.Bah.
Stayed up all night in an empty bed gripped by panic and laziness.Meg wants to shave my head for me and its looking like a better idea all the fuckin time.
The house is empty and so is my head.Scratch that.What a fuckin lie!
He can never tell anyone that she was his whore.That
she did anything that he wanted her to.Crawled across
the persian rug like a posion thing,to melt onto his
cock like fuck flavored ice cream.His phone turned off
along with his decency for stolen hours.
His tounge on the base of her spine.
His other life spinning in the wind.
He knows and that is enough.At this point she only
remembers what song was on the radio as he rammed into
her.
Away from the moment,watching them do it like they invented it.
So yeah,Im writing alot,weird shit as above.Wondering who is really on my side,hating far too many people,stressing about going and how I am gonna run my life out there.Berating myself for not being more intouch with the tribe but I hardly even get round to myself right now.
Its been a year since my exile on the beach and I would give anything to be there again.Swinging big winter cicrcles on the sand,"Silver Spring" coiling round my frontal lobes.All I got now is the traffic outside my door and a heap of gritty memories.
My mate Scotty wrote me.A year on from Bakersfield and
tells me that hes got a new band.That he loves and
misses me and thats all you need aint it? A few people
on the planet who remember your name?.
It works for me.
Makes me kinda bummed that we have to postpone the
states again.I am gonna loose it if I dont see Toodski
and the Goochmonster soon.
Scratch that.I lost it years ago.
It can all go wrong alot faster than you thing.It does not pay to be cocky around such matters.
I have so much shit that I want to get up here before
I go.All the crap that I spewed out over the summer
and never worked out how to send to Ross.Does anyone
read this shit???
Answers on a post card to......
SF4L
Michele
July 3rd 06'
Little things I should have said and done,I never took
the time....
-Willie Nelson.
In my life I loved you more.
-J.Lennon.
I really wanted to come down and write last nite but
all the powers that be were not in my favor [people
sleeping on floor ect, so Here I sit on the brown
couch once again attempting to push myself into some
kind of existence.I slept all day due to the fact that
I sat up twisting on some self made sharp point all
night.
Joy.
Ash dont really talk to me anymore.Scrub that.he just
dont talk.Guess that we will chat on the road at some
point.I think that we start rehearsing again this
week.Ross sounds happy living with meegs and such and
where ever number one son is I hope that its good.
Still watching my life slide by.My room looks like a
bomb went off in a clothing bin.I have to nick some
boxes from somewhere and get in packed.
Think that I have spent most of my life packing.
Dino wrote me from LA.Asking where my sister was.Who
knows?Its been a little over a year since we have
talked and knowing my track record we will never speak
again.I ended up liking her punk roommate at the end
of the shitstorm more than I liked her.
Still broke as all fuck.I will pay em all back some
day.
Biancia yelled at me for not calling her for my
heavily discounted rock n Roll dental work and lo and
behold I still have not got round to it...I am an
asshole.
drenched in melancholy.
poo.
This whole tour seems unreal to me.denial? Meh....who
can say.
I feel people distance themselves from me more and
more as better things befall us.Who knew?All I ever
had to do to get people the fuck up out of my grill
was be successful.
I know that there would not really be any love here for us in the end bar the faithful.And that is ok cause I gave up on trying to impress people who dont impress me a real long time ago.Pre high school even.So off to where the sun is shiny and the label support foxy and enduring.
I get to watch Moterhead all summer from the side of the stage.
Gonna be interesting to see how the Rose tattoo show goes.I love Mick Cox with all my black heart so its gonna be cool to see him there.He pushed really hard for us in europe and I will never be able to repay him.We played a show that Angry walked out on once so I dunno what he is gonna make of all this.
Feeling like a bloated paint by numbers picture at the moment.Logging in round 8 hours ink a week.saint Tina is getting Nervy about the end result but once my arms are done all I have left is my J.cash tattoo and I am home and hosed.
Dont wanna look like all those grumpy rock chix in their overpriced faster pussy cat sweaters and polka dotted finery....heh...fat chance!
("gee! i am gonna get an old school chest peice!That will REALLY set me apart from the pack.......")
I try [minimum effort] Not to hate as much as I do but the older I get and the less the shit dont go away the more correct I find myself.Sue me.
As I am want to do when I cant sleep and that is all too often ,I go back and wander round my past.Indulgent to the first and last.
I hate most of the fools that I encounter there.But there bare a few that I miss....
You will never get this letter.I have no idea where you are now but I assume that you are still out there. We used to talk every day.I was young and I didnt know what to do with the way that you loved me but besides that we were friends.I would play your mixed tapes till they broke ..You took me to kosta who ended up Tattooing me for real,for commitment and when that asshole drummer of mine did a runner you picked up my pieces with letters,hardcore porn and miles of metal magazines.
As I was racing round with the Hard Ons ant the big day out in 03' I saw you for a second but is was not our time to make good I guess.You always saw me up there and I am grateful for that.You inspired me to write the 1st song that I did with this band.I wonder if you have followed my life from afar and that if you have that you realize how much you had to do with getting me here.
Wacken and Europe dude!I dont have a number or an email for you.So many things have happened and you were the one i wanted to call.
I hear from time to time that you are well and still quite and living it.Fitzroy is so far away now.I never thought that we would get this far away from it all.
Look,I couldnt sleep and you were on my mind.Maybe we will never meet again but through my misspent youth you shone the brightest and took care of me.Thanks.I mean it........
Its raining again.Ross Tells me that 10kgs of luggage is about the dizzy limit.I am just gonna get on the bird in what I am wearing.Fuck it.Back to Australia round the beginning of November but you never can tell...
Just thinkin out loud.
SF4L
Michele
May 29th 06'
We didnt get the grant.Rossco called me before to tell
me that we made it as high as we could without getting
cashed up.
He was at pointy's,playing bass.
So,
I wont be able to see anyone or do anything before we
leave.
Please dont ask.I am busy.
I cant be swayed..
Take care and if I dont see you at "Come Together" I
will see you at our last show at 77 .
This wont stop Me.
Nothing fuckin will.
Stay true and know that it will all be worth it in the end.
SF4L
Michele.
May 28th 06'
[Still in fuckin Sydney,Fuck.]
And I gave my heart to know wisdom,and to know madness
and folly;
I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit.
-Ecclesiastes.
Your everything,that's why I cling to you.
-FNM.
Crawford shook his head.
"Its fear, Jack.The man deals with a huge amount of
fear."
"Because he got hurt?"
"No,not entirely.Fear comes with imagination,its a
penalty,it's the price of imagination."
-Thomas Harris "The Red Dragon."
Not as much hatemail this week.BO-ring........Think those half-wit palookas run on a lunar cycle cause its always round the same time as I go up on blocks.Heh.
Gooch went out and met up with AIC on the road.Sent me photos that made me smile.....Big Val and Mike Inez sending love to my vigilent little butt.Miss em.Cant wait to get back into the ring again.A decade of their love and support.Hell yeah,I walk with kings.
"Soon baby" Croons my muse who STILL looks like Jenna Jamerson after all these years......
The crazy dude who live next door to us got kicked out.They found a box of 32 hand Grenades in his room.Which was pretty much under my room.Sad I didnt get to know him now.Sounds like we had a mess of shit in common.
32 grenades is alotta boom right there.That and a rocket launcher and we coulda had us one hell of a high time on King St on a Friday night.Sigh..Ce la vie....
I got Deluxe some huge faux diamond studs to cheer him up in the face of all the shitstorms that he has been weathering of late.That and he has been admiring Pharelle's for a while.Ross,Putting the "Bling" into DIY metal.Gotta love that.
Got Willie Nelson on a loop on my internal I-pod."On the road again..." He croons while I sweat bullets and fail by the fucking hour with no credit card and no net....berate an